Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Family Ministry: Discipleship Starts at Home
This is a great blog from Winfield Bevins at the http://theresurgence.com/. You can check it out here http://theresurgence.com/2010/12/02/family-ministry-discipleship-starts-at-home. One line from the blog that has impacted me greatly is "If every family in every church got serious about making disciples in the home, it would change our nation and our world." It's short and worth the time. Praying for you all.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
How I Pastor My Family
This is a great blog from Justin Hyde of Christ Church in Brenham, Texas. It is well worth the time. Check it out here. http://theresurgence.com/2010/04/13/how-i-pastor-my-family
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Social Media and Culture
"Social media is also changing the way people spend their time. Recent statistics from Nielson indicate that Americans spend 906 million hours per month using social media. Twitter has over 100 million users. YouTube serves more than two billion videos a day. And Facebook reports that, worldwide, its 500 million active users spend a combined 700 billion minutes on the site each month. That’s roughly 24 hours per person, which is a lot of time to spend checking status updates and changing profile pictures." Check out http://www.gty.org/Blog/B101110 for more.
Again, I want to recommend the Hypersocialized Generation by Albert Mohler. It can be found here http://www.albertmohler.com/category/video/
Again, I want to recommend the Hypersocialized Generation by Albert Mohler. It can be found here http://www.albertmohler.com/category/video/
Identifying Idols
AW Tozer once said, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” The reason for this is because we will inevitably worship and idolize whatever it is we deem most important. When many of us hear about idolatry we tend to think of an ancient group of uneducated people bowing down to some sort of statue. Even though we are more educated than previous generations we are still bowing down to idols. This is especially true in a teenager’s life.
Teens long for significance and identity. In their search to fulfill these desires many of them are driven to find their identity wrapped up in a person or thing. Tim Keller says that idolatry is often taking a good thing and turning it into an ultimate thing. Students do this very thing. They tend to take a good thing, like academic achievement, and make it an ultimate thing. When this happens their sense of identity is wrapped up in their performance in the classroom. This will result in failure becoming devastating, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to learn.
Many have bought into the lie that their significance, purpose, and identity are found in the things of this world rather than God. They believe that this world will bring them more happiness than God. This is also true even for adults. Jobs, approving relationships, academics, material possessions, and family are all good things. Yet, when they become ultimate things in our lives they destroy us. CS Lewis once said “Idols always break the hearts of their worshippers.”
God is the one who is supposed to be ultimate in our lives. As parents we must show our children that all of our identity is found in what God has done for us through Jesus Christ. One thing I constantly tell myself is that all of my significance, approval and worth is found in what Christ has accomplished for me on the cross, not in the approval of man (Gal. 1:10). As parents we must repent openly to our children of our idols, and constantly help point them to the truth found in Jesus. As Augustine once said, “"Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it rest in Thee.” May we find rest in Christ, so we can guide our children.
Teens long for significance and identity. In their search to fulfill these desires many of them are driven to find their identity wrapped up in a person or thing. Tim Keller says that idolatry is often taking a good thing and turning it into an ultimate thing. Students do this very thing. They tend to take a good thing, like academic achievement, and make it an ultimate thing. When this happens their sense of identity is wrapped up in their performance in the classroom. This will result in failure becoming devastating, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to learn.
Many have bought into the lie that their significance, purpose, and identity are found in the things of this world rather than God. They believe that this world will bring them more happiness than God. This is also true even for adults. Jobs, approving relationships, academics, material possessions, and family are all good things. Yet, when they become ultimate things in our lives they destroy us. CS Lewis once said “Idols always break the hearts of their worshippers.”
God is the one who is supposed to be ultimate in our lives. As parents we must show our children that all of our identity is found in what God has done for us through Jesus Christ. One thing I constantly tell myself is that all of my significance, approval and worth is found in what Christ has accomplished for me on the cross, not in the approval of man (Gal. 1:10). As parents we must repent openly to our children of our idols, and constantly help point them to the truth found in Jesus. As Augustine once said, “"Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it rest in Thee.” May we find rest in Christ, so we can guide our children.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Love Languages: Physical Touch
Some of the oldest social psychology experiments had to do with the effect of physical touch on the development of infants. The conclusion drawn from all of these experiments was that infants who were touched often and appropriately developed at a better and more healthy rate than those who were deprived of physical touch. I don’t think this would surprise most parents. We know that our physical touch is/was important to our babies.
But for Physical Touch kids, this need doesn’t go away when they’re out of Pampers and into Cruisers and beyond. In fact, for Physical Touch kids, this need may actually intensify as they mature and grow. When this need isn’t met, it can lead to some very high-impact negative choices and their consequences. Physical Tough kids will unconsciously seek to have this need for Physical Touch met. Premature and inappropriate sexual experiences often result from a kid not having their Physical Touch needs met in appropriate ways. And in a culture where sex sells everything and reaches out from every media source, the stakes are higher than ever for our kids’ purity. So learning to be effective in speaking the love language of Physical Touch is so important that it can hardly be overstated.
Physical Touch people hear “I love you” when they are touched. In ways almost opposite to Words of Affirmation people, for these people, your actions are more important than and speak louder than your words. A hug, a gentle stroke of their hair, a soft touch of their shoulder, pats on the back, holding hands, or one of dozens of other appropriate touches breath emotional oxygen into a Physical Touch person’s soul.
This is sometimes easier to work with when kids are young than when they are in their adolescent years. Many adolescents resist physical touch because they fear it will be misinterpreted by their peers as weakness and softness. This is especially, but not exclusively, true of boys. If you’ve tried to hug your boy when dropping them off for a school or church event, where there are other teens present, you know they will often bristle against your hug. This sometimes happens even with kids whose primary love language is Physical Touch. It can be a bit like hugging a porcupine. (By the way, you know how to hug a porcupine, don’t you? Very carefully…) But even when they seem to bristle, there’s a part of a Physical Touch kid that still longs to feel your loving and appropriate touch.
The word “appropriate” should be in ALL CAPS. The statistics for physical and sexual abuse in our culture are alarming. More lives than ever before have been wrecked because of inappropriate physical touch. National statistics indicate that one in three of the women who will read this blog have been physically and/or sexually abused. For men, the statistics are roughly half those of women. It’s an issue that isn’t going away in our world. So we have to talk about what is appropriate touch and what isn’t. But the fact is that doing this isn’t that difficult. The dividing line between appropriate and inappropriate touch is actually pretty easy to describe. Appropriate touch is non-sexual and non-violent. People who have no sense of the distinction for the line on these two things are called perpetrators and abusers.
Speaking your Physical Touch child’s love language is all about being mature enough to know where this line is, and letting it inform and educate your approach to your kid’s need, without letting it keep you from really engaging with them, physically.
Sometimes dads struggle to know how to engage their Physical Touch daughters, as their little girls become young women. Out of fear, some dads quit hugging and touching, altogether. They don’t want to offend their daughter or be misunderstood to be touching them inappropriately. This is a legitimate concern. But it doesn’t need to keep a dad from speaking his Physical Touch daughter’s love language. Affectionate hugs, gently stroking her cheek, or patting her on the back, or holding her hand are all ways you can speak the Physical Touch love language.
With boys, don’t be afraid to rough house with them, even when they get into their teens. Be careful, though. They might be able to take you out! Which they’ll rub in when they do. Just be emotionally prepared for the fact that you’ll have a little “Alpha Dog” competition.
Teen-aged boys also need other more affectionate touches from both their mom and their dad. Dad, don’t relegate the affection stuff to Mom. Pat your boy on the back, tussle his hair, even hug him. Look for the right time, but don’t quit being physically affectionate with your boy.
Some Suggestions
OK, that just scrapes the surface of the whole Love Language thing. It’s enough to get you thinking, but it’s not nearly enough to help you become really effective in speaking your kid’s (or your spouse’s) Love Language.
I have two recommendations for going further with this. First, go to this web site and access the many FREE resources available there (especially the Assessments): http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. I think it’s the finest resource you’ll come across for The Five Love Languages.
The second suggestion is that you purchase one of the Five Love Language books (we have them in our Canyon Echo Bookstore). Choose the one that seems to best fit with your family’s season. Read it for yourself, and let God use it to help you develop your skills as a loving parent.
One more suggestion… Keep checking back on this great blog. You can find all kinds of great helps and suggestions and resources here. Hey, we’re in your corner! We believe you can have a great family and raise fabulous kids. We’re your partner. And God believes this about you, too! Together we can form a great partnership.
But for Physical Touch kids, this need doesn’t go away when they’re out of Pampers and into Cruisers and beyond. In fact, for Physical Touch kids, this need may actually intensify as they mature and grow. When this need isn’t met, it can lead to some very high-impact negative choices and their consequences. Physical Tough kids will unconsciously seek to have this need for Physical Touch met. Premature and inappropriate sexual experiences often result from a kid not having their Physical Touch needs met in appropriate ways. And in a culture where sex sells everything and reaches out from every media source, the stakes are higher than ever for our kids’ purity. So learning to be effective in speaking the love language of Physical Touch is so important that it can hardly be overstated.
Physical Touch people hear “I love you” when they are touched. In ways almost opposite to Words of Affirmation people, for these people, your actions are more important than and speak louder than your words. A hug, a gentle stroke of their hair, a soft touch of their shoulder, pats on the back, holding hands, or one of dozens of other appropriate touches breath emotional oxygen into a Physical Touch person’s soul.
This is sometimes easier to work with when kids are young than when they are in their adolescent years. Many adolescents resist physical touch because they fear it will be misinterpreted by their peers as weakness and softness. This is especially, but not exclusively, true of boys. If you’ve tried to hug your boy when dropping them off for a school or church event, where there are other teens present, you know they will often bristle against your hug. This sometimes happens even with kids whose primary love language is Physical Touch. It can be a bit like hugging a porcupine. (By the way, you know how to hug a porcupine, don’t you? Very carefully…) But even when they seem to bristle, there’s a part of a Physical Touch kid that still longs to feel your loving and appropriate touch.
The word “appropriate” should be in ALL CAPS. The statistics for physical and sexual abuse in our culture are alarming. More lives than ever before have been wrecked because of inappropriate physical touch. National statistics indicate that one in three of the women who will read this blog have been physically and/or sexually abused. For men, the statistics are roughly half those of women. It’s an issue that isn’t going away in our world. So we have to talk about what is appropriate touch and what isn’t. But the fact is that doing this isn’t that difficult. The dividing line between appropriate and inappropriate touch is actually pretty easy to describe. Appropriate touch is non-sexual and non-violent. People who have no sense of the distinction for the line on these two things are called perpetrators and abusers.
Speaking your Physical Touch child’s love language is all about being mature enough to know where this line is, and letting it inform and educate your approach to your kid’s need, without letting it keep you from really engaging with them, physically.
Sometimes dads struggle to know how to engage their Physical Touch daughters, as their little girls become young women. Out of fear, some dads quit hugging and touching, altogether. They don’t want to offend their daughter or be misunderstood to be touching them inappropriately. This is a legitimate concern. But it doesn’t need to keep a dad from speaking his Physical Touch daughter’s love language. Affectionate hugs, gently stroking her cheek, or patting her on the back, or holding her hand are all ways you can speak the Physical Touch love language.
With boys, don’t be afraid to rough house with them, even when they get into their teens. Be careful, though. They might be able to take you out! Which they’ll rub in when they do. Just be emotionally prepared for the fact that you’ll have a little “Alpha Dog” competition.
Teen-aged boys also need other more affectionate touches from both their mom and their dad. Dad, don’t relegate the affection stuff to Mom. Pat your boy on the back, tussle his hair, even hug him. Look for the right time, but don’t quit being physically affectionate with your boy.
Some Suggestions
OK, that just scrapes the surface of the whole Love Language thing. It’s enough to get you thinking, but it’s not nearly enough to help you become really effective in speaking your kid’s (or your spouse’s) Love Language.
I have two recommendations for going further with this. First, go to this web site and access the many FREE resources available there (especially the Assessments): http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. I think it’s the finest resource you’ll come across for The Five Love Languages.
The second suggestion is that you purchase one of the Five Love Language books (we have them in our Canyon Echo Bookstore). Choose the one that seems to best fit with your family’s season. Read it for yourself, and let God use it to help you develop your skills as a loving parent.
One more suggestion… Keep checking back on this great blog. You can find all kinds of great helps and suggestions and resources here. Hey, we’re in your corner! We believe you can have a great family and raise fabulous kids. We’re your partner. And God believes this about you, too! Together we can form a great partnership.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Hypersocialized Generation
Hey Parents & Students,
Go to this link (http://www.albertmohler.com/category/video/) and click on The Hypersocialized Generation video. It is well worth 35 minutes of your time. Hope you all are doing well. You're in our prayers.
Go to this link (http://www.albertmohler.com/category/video/) and click on The Hypersocialized Generation video. It is well worth 35 minutes of your time. Hope you all are doing well. You're in our prayers.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Love Languages: Acts of Service
This is the Love Language that I am least likely to hear or speak. I’m just not wired for it. But for anyone who is, they will instantly know how powerfully they hear “I love you,” when someone does an act of service for them. For these Acts of Service people, coming home to find their room has been vacuumed, or their clothes have been folded and put away is a huge love gift. Hearing the words, “Here, let me do that for you,” can pump emotional oxygen into their world. Running the vacuum, or washing their car, or cleaning the cat litter box for them probably seems like a meaningless activity to anyone who doesn’t speak Acts of Service as their primary love language. But to the Acts of Service person, they hear love and affection when you do these things for them.
This sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, who can’t run the vacuum? Cleaning the cat litter or picking the dog do up in the back yard doesn’t cost a cent. The recipient of this activity doesn’t even have to be present when you do it, so there’s no confining time-frame to work within. You can make the bed or fold the clothes on your schedule, not theirs.
All this is true, and it’s an appealing part of responding in the Acts of Service language. But here’s something that you need to file away. Not every act of service is equal. There are times when a very small act of service will communicate a very big message of love. And then there are times when that same act of service will almost go unnoticed. Here’s the key: As with all the other love languages, Acts of Service are best spoken on the recipient’s terms, not the giver’s. In other words, just because you think you’d like it if somebody did a particular act of service for you, that doesn’t mean that your Acts of Service kid (or spouse) will. The key question is, “what would they like?” Not, “what do I want to do for them,” or “what would I like if someone did it for me?”
If you’re having trouble thinking of meaningful Acts of Service, sit down with a piece of paper, or at your computer, and start making a list of things you’ve ever heard your kid or spouse express thanks for when you’ve done them. Any special meals? Any way you’ve been able to do something for them that they somehow told you was good for them? Anything you did for them so they didn’t have to worry about it or bother with it that they said made a difference for them? Create your list and add to it. If your list is small, don’t worry about that. Add things that you think might work, and then be experimental with them. See if your idea rings their chime. If it doesn’t, take it off the list. If it does, keep it on the list, and work the list all the time.
A word of caution is in order here. If you’re an Acts of Service person, you’ll find gratification in doing acts of service for your kids (and spouse). And we all keep doing things we get gratification from. But sometimes the good things we do for other people are just a breath away from being what psychologists call “negative enabling.” If my act of service makes you more dependant on me, it might be “negative enabling.” If I’m doing your work for you, instead of letting you do the things you should do for yourself so you’ll grow and develop your personal responsibility muscles, I’m getting into “negative enabling” land. Offering an Act of Service as an expression of love isn’t wrong. But when a pattern of me doing your work for you develops, there’s a problem. The rule on this that makes the best sense and works the best is never do for them what they need to do for themselves. Because if you do, you will steal from them the chance to grow into their God-given stewardship and responsibility for their life.
Adolescents usually will let you do for them anything you want to do, as long as it means they get out of working. Really. Some kids are that way… So when a kid starts acting entitled to an Act of Service, that’s when you might need to think about pulling the plug on the activity. For a while, at least. Identify what their secondary love language is, and go to work with it. But if the gratitude level dips dramatically, that’s a sign that the love message isn’t getting through. Sometimes it’s just a selfish part of the kid’s development.
Knowing when and how much to do for your kid or spouse whose love language is Acts of Service takes sensitivity and finesse. The good news is that God wants to make you wise (see James 1:5), and this includes wisdom to know how to speak your kid’s and/or spouse’s love language, and when to change your approach.
This sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, who can’t run the vacuum? Cleaning the cat litter or picking the dog do up in the back yard doesn’t cost a cent. The recipient of this activity doesn’t even have to be present when you do it, so there’s no confining time-frame to work within. You can make the bed or fold the clothes on your schedule, not theirs.
All this is true, and it’s an appealing part of responding in the Acts of Service language. But here’s something that you need to file away. Not every act of service is equal. There are times when a very small act of service will communicate a very big message of love. And then there are times when that same act of service will almost go unnoticed. Here’s the key: As with all the other love languages, Acts of Service are best spoken on the recipient’s terms, not the giver’s. In other words, just because you think you’d like it if somebody did a particular act of service for you, that doesn’t mean that your Acts of Service kid (or spouse) will. The key question is, “what would they like?” Not, “what do I want to do for them,” or “what would I like if someone did it for me?”
If you’re having trouble thinking of meaningful Acts of Service, sit down with a piece of paper, or at your computer, and start making a list of things you’ve ever heard your kid or spouse express thanks for when you’ve done them. Any special meals? Any way you’ve been able to do something for them that they somehow told you was good for them? Anything you did for them so they didn’t have to worry about it or bother with it that they said made a difference for them? Create your list and add to it. If your list is small, don’t worry about that. Add things that you think might work, and then be experimental with them. See if your idea rings their chime. If it doesn’t, take it off the list. If it does, keep it on the list, and work the list all the time.
A word of caution is in order here. If you’re an Acts of Service person, you’ll find gratification in doing acts of service for your kids (and spouse). And we all keep doing things we get gratification from. But sometimes the good things we do for other people are just a breath away from being what psychologists call “negative enabling.” If my act of service makes you more dependant on me, it might be “negative enabling.” If I’m doing your work for you, instead of letting you do the things you should do for yourself so you’ll grow and develop your personal responsibility muscles, I’m getting into “negative enabling” land. Offering an Act of Service as an expression of love isn’t wrong. But when a pattern of me doing your work for you develops, there’s a problem. The rule on this that makes the best sense and works the best is never do for them what they need to do for themselves. Because if you do, you will steal from them the chance to grow into their God-given stewardship and responsibility for their life.
Adolescents usually will let you do for them anything you want to do, as long as it means they get out of working. Really. Some kids are that way… So when a kid starts acting entitled to an Act of Service, that’s when you might need to think about pulling the plug on the activity. For a while, at least. Identify what their secondary love language is, and go to work with it. But if the gratitude level dips dramatically, that’s a sign that the love message isn’t getting through. Sometimes it’s just a selfish part of the kid’s development.
Knowing when and how much to do for your kid or spouse whose love language is Acts of Service takes sensitivity and finesse. The good news is that God wants to make you wise (see James 1:5), and this includes wisdom to know how to speak your kid’s and/or spouse’s love language, and when to change your approach.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Love Languages: Gifts
Most everybody likes getting gifts. But people whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts get more from getting a gift than the gift. Don’t misunderstand this for simple selfishness or plane old materialism. For the one who has Receiving Gifts as their primary love language, what’s behind the gift is perhaps more important than what the actual gift is. They hear love when they receive a gift, because they’re hearing the thoughtfulness, care and effort that went into picking out the gift. In other words, they hear the meaning of the gift. The good news for the one giving the gift in this scenario is that the size and cost of the gift are secondary. The intangibles are much more important.
When your kid (or spouse) with the Receiving Gifts love language gets a well thought-out and carefully selected gift from you, they get a powerful message of love. They feel cared for and treasured. They notice the sacrifice required to find and get, and then give the gift. For them, this is part of the gift.
There’s an old story about a class of young children in a school in Africa who brought their teacher Christmas gifts. Each one put their gift on the teacher’s desk and heard her make affirming comments about the gifts, expressing her gratitude. (Hey, what do you think that would have done for a kid with Words of Affirmation as their love language?...) There was a wide assortment of trinkets and homemade items brought by the children. Finally, one boy in the class brought a beautiful sea shell and put it on the teacher’s desk.
“What a beautiful gift,” the teacher said. “We are a two-day journey inland from the sea. How ever did you get this wonderful shell for me?”
“I walked to the sea to get it,” the boy responded.
“Oh, my!” the teacher exclaimed. “You made that long journey?”
“The journey,” the boy said with a shy smile, “is part of the gift.”
That’s how it is with people who have Receiving Gifts as their primary love language. The journey is part of the gift for them. Like the boy in this story, they connect the journey and the gift. And it makes the message behind the gift even more powerful for them.
Often, people with this as their primary love language apply the same kind of time and effort into giving gifts as they are delighted by when they receive a gift. One of our daughters has Receiving Gifts as her primary love language. She agonizes over what is the just-right gift to give. She begins planning her Christmas gift-giving in July because she wants to communicate her love in the best possible way with the gifts she gives. I don’t ever expect to hear her say, “I’ll run in and pick a quick little gift…” For her, a “quick little gift” isn’t a gift at all, unless it’s been thought through and planned in advance so that the trip can be quick, but the gift still meaningful. You can see why, can’t you? If the gift is an expression of love, the more thoughtful it is, the clearer the “I love you” in it is.
Missing a Receiving Gifts person’s birthday, or anniversary, or throwing a hasty gift in their direction would all be disastrous. Everyday gestures are powerful, too. Their absence will create the same kind of emotional difficulty as a Words of Affirmation person not hearing affirming words, or a Quality Time person not having quality time with you. It will drain their emotional tank and leave them feeling unloved.
When your kid (or spouse) with the Receiving Gifts love language gets a well thought-out and carefully selected gift from you, they get a powerful message of love. They feel cared for and treasured. They notice the sacrifice required to find and get, and then give the gift. For them, this is part of the gift.
There’s an old story about a class of young children in a school in Africa who brought their teacher Christmas gifts. Each one put their gift on the teacher’s desk and heard her make affirming comments about the gifts, expressing her gratitude. (Hey, what do you think that would have done for a kid with Words of Affirmation as their love language?...) There was a wide assortment of trinkets and homemade items brought by the children. Finally, one boy in the class brought a beautiful sea shell and put it on the teacher’s desk.
“What a beautiful gift,” the teacher said. “We are a two-day journey inland from the sea. How ever did you get this wonderful shell for me?”
“I walked to the sea to get it,” the boy responded.
“Oh, my!” the teacher exclaimed. “You made that long journey?”
“The journey,” the boy said with a shy smile, “is part of the gift.”
That’s how it is with people who have Receiving Gifts as their primary love language. The journey is part of the gift for them. Like the boy in this story, they connect the journey and the gift. And it makes the message behind the gift even more powerful for them.
Often, people with this as their primary love language apply the same kind of time and effort into giving gifts as they are delighted by when they receive a gift. One of our daughters has Receiving Gifts as her primary love language. She agonizes over what is the just-right gift to give. She begins planning her Christmas gift-giving in July because she wants to communicate her love in the best possible way with the gifts she gives. I don’t ever expect to hear her say, “I’ll run in and pick a quick little gift…” For her, a “quick little gift” isn’t a gift at all, unless it’s been thought through and planned in advance so that the trip can be quick, but the gift still meaningful. You can see why, can’t you? If the gift is an expression of love, the more thoughtful it is, the clearer the “I love you” in it is.
Missing a Receiving Gifts person’s birthday, or anniversary, or throwing a hasty gift in their direction would all be disastrous. Everyday gestures are powerful, too. Their absence will create the same kind of emotional difficulty as a Words of Affirmation person not hearing affirming words, or a Quality Time person not having quality time with you. It will drain their emotional tank and leave them feeling unloved.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Love Languages: Quality Time
Quality Time people need your undivided attention. They need your undistracted presence. They’re less interested in what the activity might be when they’re with you, and way more interested in the fact that they had you for the time it took to do the activity. If you’re a Quality Time person, you’ll get this instantly. But if you’re not, it probably won’t make any sense to you.
Back in the 80’s there was an idea making the rounds that a few minutes of quality time with your kids were better than hours of not-quality time. In some ways, this is true. Twenty really golden minutes are, well, golden. But what isn’t true is that you can spend 20 quality minutes with your kid in 20 minutes. You can’t.
Quality is always a function of quantity. If you want 20 minutes of Quality Time with your kid(s), you may need an hour to get it. The other 40 minutes plow the ground for the 20 quality minutes you have with your kid. There’s no mathematical formula for it, but the principle is that you’ll always need more time than you think you need to get whatever amount of Quality Time you want to get or give. Count on it.
If your kid (or spouse) is a Quality Time person, distractions, postponements and failure to show up are huge dings and disappointments for them. They will feel hurt and disrespected if you commit (or they think you’ve committed) to do something or show up and give them time, and then you don’t make it. Even if you think you have a good reason (which you might have), they will still be hurt.
A phrase Quality Time people love to hear is, “Hey, I want to spend some time with you. When can we do that, and what would you like to do?”
Adolescents probably won’t fire off any fireworks when you say this to them. They may hardly even grunt. But if Quality Time is their love language, your request for time with them will open their heart. Give them time to think about it, and then come back with the same question. And then FOLLOW THROUGH. You can turn a huge deposit in their emotional bank – asking to spend quality time with them – into a huge withdrawal by failing to show up and follow through. DON’T COMMIT TO WHAT YOU WON’T SACRIFICE FOR. Follow through!
Back in the 80’s there was an idea making the rounds that a few minutes of quality time with your kids were better than hours of not-quality time. In some ways, this is true. Twenty really golden minutes are, well, golden. But what isn’t true is that you can spend 20 quality minutes with your kid in 20 minutes. You can’t.
Quality is always a function of quantity. If you want 20 minutes of Quality Time with your kid(s), you may need an hour to get it. The other 40 minutes plow the ground for the 20 quality minutes you have with your kid. There’s no mathematical formula for it, but the principle is that you’ll always need more time than you think you need to get whatever amount of Quality Time you want to get or give. Count on it.
If your kid (or spouse) is a Quality Time person, distractions, postponements and failure to show up are huge dings and disappointments for them. They will feel hurt and disrespected if you commit (or they think you’ve committed) to do something or show up and give them time, and then you don’t make it. Even if you think you have a good reason (which you might have), they will still be hurt.
A phrase Quality Time people love to hear is, “Hey, I want to spend some time with you. When can we do that, and what would you like to do?”
Adolescents probably won’t fire off any fireworks when you say this to them. They may hardly even grunt. But if Quality Time is their love language, your request for time with them will open their heart. Give them time to think about it, and then come back with the same question. And then FOLLOW THROUGH. You can turn a huge deposit in their emotional bank – asking to spend quality time with them – into a huge withdrawal by failing to show up and follow through. DON’T COMMIT TO WHAT YOU WON’T SACRIFICE FOR. Follow through!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Love Languages: Words of Affirmation
There’s no particular order for the Five Love Languages, but let’s start where Dr. Chapman starts in the book, with Words of Affirmation.
The old saying, “Actions speak louder than words,” isn’t always true. For the child (or spouse) whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, words will probably always speak louder than actions. Hearing positive, affirming, encouraging words is like gulping in emotional oxygen for a person with the love language of Words of Affirmation. But the opposite is true, too. When a Words of Affirmation person doesn’t hear these positive, affirming, encouraging words, it’s like someone’s standing on their oxygen line. Insults (even little ones) can leave them feeling deeply wounded, and can sometimes take a very long time to be forgotten.
But empty, fluffy positive, affirming and encouraging words won’t work, either. Insincere or meaningless affirmation is nothing more than flattery. And once a person discovers it’s only flattery, there’s nothing appealing about it. It will eventually become offensive to them. It’s like emotional cotton candy. There’s no substance to it. Just the initial happy taste. But when the taste is gone, there’s really nothing else left behind, except a hunger for something more. Most kids don’t know what that “something more” is. They can’t articulate that they feel it’s missing. Their subconscious emotional radar will stay up and active for what they think feels like something more, though. And when they come across it, they will be magnetically drawn to it, whether it’s really good for them or not.
Words of Affirmation that make a difference and feed a person’s soul are authentic and true. Hearing, “I love you,” is so important to every kid. But for the person who has Words of Affirmation as a primary love language, hearing why they are loved, or hearing what they are loved for can send them soaring.
If you discover that your kid is a Words of Affirmation person, here’s a suggestion: make a private list of “Ten Things I Love About You,” and work from that list every day, telling them why you love them. Things like, “I love your sense of humor. You crack me up!” Or “I love how you watch out for your little brother (or sister).” Or “I love that I don’t have to wonder what you’re thinking.”
You may sometimes have to really strain your brain to think of positive and encouraging things that are true about your kids. Let’s face it, there are seasons in a kid’s life when there just isn’t much positive happening. But if you’re willing to partner with God on this, He will help you see positive things that you might have missed. So ask Him for His help! It’s a request He wants to grant.
Notice that the suggestions I gave for Words of Affirmation aren’t huge things. I didn’t put, “I think you’ll one day be President of the United States,” on the list. Or, “Look out Michael Jordan! You’ll break his records.” The truth is, your kid isn’t likely to break Michel’s records, and they may not become a prominent political figure, let alone the President. Target character traits, not just behaviors for your list. This will help you tell your kid (and yourself) that your love for them isn’t conditional. In other words, you don’t love them only when they perform or behave in a certain way. You love them, period. Their behavior can’t ever change that. But when they demonstrate character development by their behavior, TELL THEM! Look for these character qualities in them, and encourage them by appreciating them. Do your best to find 10 things for this list, and then, over time, take it to 20 things, and work from it every day.
If you were raised in a home where compliments weren’t given, where the fear was that if people heard too many positive things about themselves, they’d get “the Big Head,” or become prideful, speaking your Words of Affirmation to your kids (and spouse) may be hard at first. Treat it like any other skill. You’ll get good at it by doing it. So do it, even if it sounds and feels odd at first. Trust God to help you grow in the skill of speaking Words of Affirmation.
The old saying, “Actions speak louder than words,” isn’t always true. For the child (or spouse) whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, words will probably always speak louder than actions. Hearing positive, affirming, encouraging words is like gulping in emotional oxygen for a person with the love language of Words of Affirmation. But the opposite is true, too. When a Words of Affirmation person doesn’t hear these positive, affirming, encouraging words, it’s like someone’s standing on their oxygen line. Insults (even little ones) can leave them feeling deeply wounded, and can sometimes take a very long time to be forgotten.
But empty, fluffy positive, affirming and encouraging words won’t work, either. Insincere or meaningless affirmation is nothing more than flattery. And once a person discovers it’s only flattery, there’s nothing appealing about it. It will eventually become offensive to them. It’s like emotional cotton candy. There’s no substance to it. Just the initial happy taste. But when the taste is gone, there’s really nothing else left behind, except a hunger for something more. Most kids don’t know what that “something more” is. They can’t articulate that they feel it’s missing. Their subconscious emotional radar will stay up and active for what they think feels like something more, though. And when they come across it, they will be magnetically drawn to it, whether it’s really good for them or not.
Words of Affirmation that make a difference and feed a person’s soul are authentic and true. Hearing, “I love you,” is so important to every kid. But for the person who has Words of Affirmation as a primary love language, hearing why they are loved, or hearing what they are loved for can send them soaring.
If you discover that your kid is a Words of Affirmation person, here’s a suggestion: make a private list of “Ten Things I Love About You,” and work from that list every day, telling them why you love them. Things like, “I love your sense of humor. You crack me up!” Or “I love how you watch out for your little brother (or sister).” Or “I love that I don’t have to wonder what you’re thinking.”
You may sometimes have to really strain your brain to think of positive and encouraging things that are true about your kids. Let’s face it, there are seasons in a kid’s life when there just isn’t much positive happening. But if you’re willing to partner with God on this, He will help you see positive things that you might have missed. So ask Him for His help! It’s a request He wants to grant.
Notice that the suggestions I gave for Words of Affirmation aren’t huge things. I didn’t put, “I think you’ll one day be President of the United States,” on the list. Or, “Look out Michael Jordan! You’ll break his records.” The truth is, your kid isn’t likely to break Michel’s records, and they may not become a prominent political figure, let alone the President. Target character traits, not just behaviors for your list. This will help you tell your kid (and yourself) that your love for them isn’t conditional. In other words, you don’t love them only when they perform or behave in a certain way. You love them, period. Their behavior can’t ever change that. But when they demonstrate character development by their behavior, TELL THEM! Look for these character qualities in them, and encourage them by appreciating them. Do your best to find 10 things for this list, and then, over time, take it to 20 things, and work from it every day.
If you were raised in a home where compliments weren’t given, where the fear was that if people heard too many positive things about themselves, they’d get “the Big Head,” or become prideful, speaking your Words of Affirmation to your kids (and spouse) may be hard at first. Treat it like any other skill. You’ll get good at it by doing it. So do it, even if it sounds and feels odd at first. Trust God to help you grow in the skill of speaking Words of Affirmation.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Love Languages II
The biggest idea in the book is what I just shared – that people develop best when they know they’re loved, and that they know they’re loved when they hear it in language they understand.
Way back when I was a Youth Minister in Tulsa, OK, I was part of a team of youth guys who went to central Mexico with an organization called Christ In Youth, to be resource people for presentations at a Christian youth conference. Before I left, I asked a girl in my youth group who was in Spanish III what would be a couple of Spanish phrases that I should know. She gave me a couple, but the one I most remember was “¿Dónde está el baño,” which I’m sure you recognize as Spanish for “where is the bathroom?”
We got to the Mexico City Airport, and nature began to call. Not shouting, just calling. I thought, “Hey, this is a great time for me to try out my Spanish.” So I went to a kiosk where an attractive young woman in an American Airlines uniform stood, waiting to help. I stepped up and said, “¿Dónde está el baño?” But you’d have to hear me say it in my thick Oklahoma accent to know why the American Airlines representative nearly fell down laughing before she spouted a clean and crisp Spanish reply to my question. But her reply made no sense at all to me. It was just a lot of rolled r’s and other staccato consonants that I couldn’t make any sense of.
For some mysterious reason, the stress of this moment moved the simple call of nature up the scale to the urgent shout of nature. “Oh, no,” I thought. “I’m going to wet my pants in the Mexico City Airport…”
But the kind lady at the kiosk read the panic in my eyes and said in perfectly clear English, “Sir, the Men’s Room is just down the corridor and to your right.” She was like an angel speaking in that moment.
If she had kept speaking in Spanish, I was toast (soggy toast). She could have said it louder, or slower, or used more gestures. She could have even chosen different words to communicate the location of the Men’s Room. But as long as she said it in Spanish, it wouldn’t have mattered. I was going to have my own personal international incident at the American Airlines kiosk as long as she kept telling me the Men’s Room location in Spanish.
It wasn’t an intelligence issue, really. She was obviously an intelligent enough young lady. I’m a smart enough guy. But as long as she spoke Spanish, I was going to wet my britches. When she spoke a language I understood, I was bright enough to find the Men’s Room.
Now, I hope you see the correlation between my experience at the Mexico City Airport and your attempts to communicate your love to your kids. You can have all the love in your heart that a parent can have for their kid, but if your love language isn’t the same as your kid’s, and you keep speaking your own language, all they’re likely to hear is, “Blah, blah, blah.” If that’s what they’re hearing, they won’t feel as loved as you want them to feel. And when that happens, they won’t thrive. People only thrive when they feel loved. That’s just a rule of life.
The problem is that most parents assume their kids have the same love language they have. So they keep speaking in a love language that makes sense to them, but probably doesn’t connect with the kid(s). The more they communicate in this love language, the less the kid seems to get it. Frustration sets in for both the parent and the kid. The result is anything but love growing. In fact, it’s usually some kind of alienation.
But the other side of this coin is that when you know your kids’ love language, you can communicate your love to them in terms that they understand. And when that happens, a host of good things will come out of it, including feelings of security and confidence (for both you and your kid), a more consistent sense of happiness, less conflict, and generally movement toward health and maturity in your relationship with them.
So every parent ought to be very interested in getting some kind of help figuring out what their kids’ love languages are. And, by the way, if you go to work on this, in the process, you’ll learn what your spouse’s and your own love language is, too, which will produce some really powerful and positive results in your marriage.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A New Blog Series from Steve Thomas on The Five Love Languages
The Bible’s the only book that can totally change your life, but there are some other books with great biblical roots and godly principles that can have a profound effect on your life and the legacy of your family life. For my wife and me, The Five Love Languages fits on that bookshelf. Aside from the Bible, no book helped us parent our three girls well as much as Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. We both wish we’d have known about the Love Languages when our kids were young, but we didn’t come across it until all three of our daughters were in high school.
One of the things that makes this book so good is its simplicity. As Debbie and I read through it, we realized this isn’t rocket science. It’s common sense, in language we could easily understand, with concepts simple enough that we could do something with them immediately. I call this “putting the cookies on the bottom shelf.” And believe me, finding these great cookies on the bottom shelf was a very big gift from God to us. And I think it will be to you, too.
Since the publication of the original book, other editions have been produced, including The Five Love Languages for Children, The Five Love Languages for Teenagers, and The Five Love Languages Singles Edition, and several other editions. Each of these succeeding editions flesh out the main principles of the original book and make interesting specific applications to a target group. The original book is still on the New York Times Bestseller list, which is no small thing, since it was first published in 1992. Millions of people have been influenced by Dr. Chapman’s simple concept that people develop best when they know they’re loved, and that they know they’re loved when they hear it in language they understand. You can order the book from the link below.
http://www.canyonechobookstore.com/product.asp?sku=9780802473158
One of the things that makes this book so good is its simplicity. As Debbie and I read through it, we realized this isn’t rocket science. It’s common sense, in language we could easily understand, with concepts simple enough that we could do something with them immediately. I call this “putting the cookies on the bottom shelf.” And believe me, finding these great cookies on the bottom shelf was a very big gift from God to us. And I think it will be to you, too.
Since the publication of the original book, other editions have been produced, including The Five Love Languages for Children, The Five Love Languages for Teenagers, and The Five Love Languages Singles Edition, and several other editions. Each of these succeeding editions flesh out the main principles of the original book and make interesting specific applications to a target group. The original book is still on the New York Times Bestseller list, which is no small thing, since it was first published in 1992. Millions of people have been influenced by Dr. Chapman’s simple concept that people develop best when they know they’re loved, and that they know they’re loved when they hear it in language they understand. You can order the book from the link below.
http://www.canyonechobookstore.com/product.asp?sku=9780802473158
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Space Between: A Parent's Guide To Teenage Development - Part 7
Growing up I earned the nickname “20 questions” from my grandpa. It was not uncommon for me to bombard individuals with tons of questions at the conclusion of their stories and statements. Many interpreted this as me trying to antagonistically bother people. Though that might have been true at times, it was not the norm. Most of the time I wasn’t trying to be a punk. I was curious. I wanted to know things and to know if the things I believed were really were true. Even to this day I’m a tenacious learner and ask tons of questions trying to figure things out.
Almost every teenager I know can be called “20 questions.” Muller affirms this when he writes that teenagers, “Armed with a new found ability to think, evaluate, and solve problems, teenagers often question the values and beliefs they’d previously accepted.” (Muller, pg. 84). I couldn’t agree more with this statement. When this takes place many parents, especially in my experience Christian parents, seem to panic. Their panic is not irrational. I can understand the panic that takes place when a child questions a value, belief, or ideal that we hold dearly. My hope for my children is that they worship the God of the Bible, and what I need to prepare myself for now is the probability of them questioning their beliefs. Many students are not simply questioning their beliefs just because they want to be rebellious, but rather this is a sign of them owning their faith.
It is in these moments that I found ultimate joy in God’s complete control over all things. We are called to lead, shepherd, and point our children toward Jesus Christ. Yet, I know that there is nothing I can do to force my children into a relationship with Christ. “Salvation is from the Lord ((Jonah 2:9),” not from us. In these moments I would like to remind you, as well as myself, of a profound statement by Muller. He was writing about a tough period in which one of his children was making some poor choices. During that time he discovered “God was working in ways we wouldn’t always see or understand.” (Muller, pg. 87)
Spiritual growth is a process, and as parents we must be patient with students when they question things. Many of us can remember times in which we also questioned some of the same issues our teens are questioning. In those moments share your story, struggle, and pain. Talk about the goodness of God and what he taught you through that time of questioning. I would encourage you to write down their questions and together study the scriptures to find answers. In this you will find God growing you both. There I see “God working” in both of your lives.
Check out this video from Tullian Tchividjian, Billy Graham's grandson. It may be an encouragement to some of you.
Almost every teenager I know can be called “20 questions.” Muller affirms this when he writes that teenagers, “Armed with a new found ability to think, evaluate, and solve problems, teenagers often question the values and beliefs they’d previously accepted.” (Muller, pg. 84). I couldn’t agree more with this statement. When this takes place many parents, especially in my experience Christian parents, seem to panic. Their panic is not irrational. I can understand the panic that takes place when a child questions a value, belief, or ideal that we hold dearly. My hope for my children is that they worship the God of the Bible, and what I need to prepare myself for now is the probability of them questioning their beliefs. Many students are not simply questioning their beliefs just because they want to be rebellious, but rather this is a sign of them owning their faith.
It is in these moments that I found ultimate joy in God’s complete control over all things. We are called to lead, shepherd, and point our children toward Jesus Christ. Yet, I know that there is nothing I can do to force my children into a relationship with Christ. “Salvation is from the Lord ((Jonah 2:9),” not from us. In these moments I would like to remind you, as well as myself, of a profound statement by Muller. He was writing about a tough period in which one of his children was making some poor choices. During that time he discovered “God was working in ways we wouldn’t always see or understand.” (Muller, pg. 87)
Spiritual growth is a process, and as parents we must be patient with students when they question things. Many of us can remember times in which we also questioned some of the same issues our teens are questioning. In those moments share your story, struggle, and pain. Talk about the goodness of God and what he taught you through that time of questioning. I would encourage you to write down their questions and together study the scriptures to find answers. In this you will find God growing you both. There I see “God working” in both of your lives.
Check out this video from Tullian Tchividjian, Billy Graham's grandson. It may be an encouragement to some of you.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
We're Back
Hey Guys,
I know for many of you this is your first time checking out this blog. Being a parent is a tremendous privilege and responsibility. I know from firsthand experience it is not easy. When I would share with people that I was about to become a parent, my words would be met with immediate recommendations about what I should do or read. That is why we started this blog. I know that from the dates you will see we haven’t posted in a while. For that I apologize. This has been an extremely busy season, but we usually try to post every two weeks. However, I wanted to let you know that as I journey through this life as a parent, and as I read books, I am committed to sharing with you the insights I receive.
There are a couple of books I would like to recommend that greatly influenced me. The first book I’ll mention is the Bible. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I want to encourage you to deeply study the word. Each of the authors of the books I mention will constantly point you back to the bible. Below I have placed some verses that have really shaped my understanding of parenthood. I would like to encourage you to take some time this week to study them.
Psalm 128
1Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord,
who walks in his ways!
2 You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the Lord.
5 The Lord bless you from Zion!
May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life!
6 May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel!
Ephesians 6:1-4
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Pro. 3:11-12
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline
or be weary of his reproof,
12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.
Job 1:5
5 And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually. (In the book Pastor Dad by Mark Driscoll he talks about how this verse prompted him to pray over his son when he felt like he was provoking him to anger. This is where I got the idea that I shared this last weekend for praying for my son. You can search this blog and find a free download of this book.)
Also there are a couple of books I read recently that really helped me learn. You can find these books in our bookstore (http://www.canyonechobookstore.com/home.asp). The first is called Grace-Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel (this should be in there soon). The other is the one you will see we are talking about in this blog. It is by Dr. Walt Mueller called The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development. Also, Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. In fact, if you have a child in our NextGen services, they will be hearing about this topic in our June series. And of course, feel free to ask our bookstore for info on these resources. As always we’re praying for you.
I know for many of you this is your first time checking out this blog. Being a parent is a tremendous privilege and responsibility. I know from firsthand experience it is not easy. When I would share with people that I was about to become a parent, my words would be met with immediate recommendations about what I should do or read. That is why we started this blog. I know that from the dates you will see we haven’t posted in a while. For that I apologize. This has been an extremely busy season, but we usually try to post every two weeks. However, I wanted to let you know that as I journey through this life as a parent, and as I read books, I am committed to sharing with you the insights I receive.
There are a couple of books I would like to recommend that greatly influenced me. The first book I’ll mention is the Bible. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I want to encourage you to deeply study the word. Each of the authors of the books I mention will constantly point you back to the bible. Below I have placed some verses that have really shaped my understanding of parenthood. I would like to encourage you to take some time this week to study them.
Psalm 128
1Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord,
who walks in his ways!
2 You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the Lord.
5 The Lord bless you from Zion!
May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life!
6 May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel!
Ephesians 6:1-4
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Pro. 3:11-12
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline
or be weary of his reproof,
12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.
Job 1:5
5 And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually. (In the book Pastor Dad by Mark Driscoll he talks about how this verse prompted him to pray over his son when he felt like he was provoking him to anger. This is where I got the idea that I shared this last weekend for praying for my son. You can search this blog and find a free download of this book.)
Also there are a couple of books I read recently that really helped me learn. You can find these books in our bookstore (http://www.canyonechobookstore.com/home.asp). The first is called Grace-Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel (this should be in there soon). The other is the one you will see we are talking about in this blog. It is by Dr. Walt Mueller called The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development. Also, Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. In fact, if you have a child in our NextGen services, they will be hearing about this topic in our June series. And of course, feel free to ask our bookstore for info on these resources. As always we’re praying for you.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Space Between: A Parent's Guide To Teenage Development - Part 6
I just got off the phone with my 4 year old. Hearing his voice brings such a joy to my heart. With no obligation whatsoever I simply said, “I love you bud.” With that he responded, “I love you too.” Those words melt my heart, and I know that as he gets older he is going to act like he doesn’t want to hear that as much, especially in front of his friends. Yet, one thing I know is that inside he will be crying out for my affirmation and love. Some of us think back to our teenage years thankful that we heard those words from our parents; others wish they had heard them more.
Why is this important? It’s simple. Teenagers often times determine their identity and a decision based on how it feels. A negative comment from a friend or their own negative self evaluation after looking in the mirror can send them into a panic. However, a text from a person they like can send them joyfully through the roof. One minute they’re down, and in the next minute they act like they just won a million dollars. To those on the outside, this seems like an emotional rollercoaster. That is why it is so important that you always remember that you were like that once too.
As a parent it can be easy to brush off those feelings as normal adolescents, or by simply ignoring them by telling yourself they’ll get through it. These emotions are what it is like to be a normal teenager. Muller makes a bold statement by saying, “To be written off by an insensitive parent is the type of rejection that can send a ‘normal’ teenager over the edge to clinical depression and even suicide. Much of a teenager’s emotional resilience is built in and through a healthy relationship with Mom and Dad.” (Muller, pg. 76). I don’t believe that this quote is intended to scare you, or to make you walk on egg shells around your teen. I believe he stresses it to help us realize the importance of our teenager’s emotions. What may look like a little zit on the face to you is Mt. Everest to your teen. Can’t you remember that? In the same way what may seem a little problem to you may be a huge ordeal to your teen. Teens do overreact, and most of the time that may be case, but it must not encourage us to disregard their feelings. They are very real to them. Therefore, the best thing we can do as parents is actively listen.
There are times in which the emotions of our teen can be a sign of a deeper issue. Home must be a safe place in which you can lovingly ask questions of your teen to see what is really going on. You must be prepared that your teen may reject your questioning so that you don’t overreact in the moment. Just simply reaffirm your love for them. Understand that you also acted like this, and know that while they soak in their brokenness, your love reveals to them there is a truth that is superior to their emotions. One of the most powerful insights I have gained over this year is to preach the gospel to myself. So many times we talk about the love Christ has for those who believe, yet do you realize that love for yourself? Does your teen? As parents we must stress the importance of a truth that is real no matter how we feel about it. Don’t just reaffirm your love, but also the love of Christ.
If you haven’t picked up this book in our bookstore, do it now. This chapter had so many incredible insights. As always know we are praying for you.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Great Idea from Pastor Steve Thomas
It was just about the hardest thing I’d done to that point in my life. My palms were sweaty, my ears were buzzing, I was squirming in my chair like a fat man with hemorrhoids. I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke, or my head would explode. Or maybe I’d just pass out and slide from my chair onto the floor, and lay there like a corps until the EMTs arrived.
Looking back at it, it was a prime moment in my life that I don’t ever want to forget. But as it was unfolding, all I wanted was for it to be over and my blood pressure to come back down from the stratosphere.
A month earlier, Ron, the dad of a couple of the kids in my youth group told me about a powerful idea he had used with his daughter when she turned 12. He heard it from James Dobson and Focus on the Family. When I heard it, I knew it was right for me, the dad of 3 daughters, ages 12, 10 and 9.
Here’s how it goes. Sometime after your daughter is 12, you go to the jeweler and find a necklace with a heart and a key on it. In 1988, I was making a subsistence salary as a youth minister at a mid-size church in Oklahoma, and we were never not strapped for cash. So the heart and key necklace I bought for Becky wasn’t elaborate, and it wasn’t expensive. The good news is that it didn’t have to be, because the symbolism is the deal, not the necklace, itself.
Once you’ve got the necklace, you invite her to her favorite restaurant (which was McDonald’s for my oldest) for a special date. You dress up, and you ask her to dress up. And then you head out for your special night, just you and her.
Once you’re at the restaurant, you do all the things a guy’s supposed to do on a date. You pull out her chair and ask her what she’d like to order (which was all a little difficult at McDonalds, but I managed…). The point is, make her feel special.
Then when you’ve eaten, tell her you have something special for her. Pull the box out of your pocket and give it to her.
When she opens it, you need to be ready to tell her what it represents. And here you go with what I wish I could have been composed enough to say that evening at McDonalds in Tulsa.
“Honey, you know that I love you more than any other girl in the world, except for your mom, don’t you? Well, I wanted to give you this necklace to remind you of that. I don’t ever want you to forget how much I treasure you. I don’t ever want you to wonder if I love you.”
At this point, my daughter didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t need to. Really, I didn’t want her to yet.
You wipe the sweat off your forehead, and gulp, and then say, “You know how your mom told you all that stuff about being a girl and becoming a woman?” (This is a reference to the “sex talk” that every little girl needs to have with their mom around age 12.)
“I don’t want to talk about all that stuff, but I do want to tell you how much I want you be pure for God. I want you to be able to give your purity to your husband, one day, at your wedding.”
I spent a couple of minutes talking about how I knew boys were going to try and get her to give up her purity.
“I hope you’ll wear this necklace every day of your life, honey, right up until your wedding day, so that it can remind you of the promise I’m asking you to make. I want to ask you to promise God that you’ll guard your purity until you’re married. I’m not trying to force this on you. I know you love God and want your life to be the way He wants it to be. So I know this is a promise you want to make.
“I can’t keep this promise for you, and I don’t want it to be that kind of a promise. But I want you to know that nobody in the world wants you to be able to keep this promise as much as I do. If there’s ever anything I can do to help you keep it, all you ever have to do is say so.”
Now, you need to know that I didn’t do nearly as well as this little script makes it sound. I did a whole lot of sweating and stuttering and stammering when I said all this to my 12 year old daughter. I was awful, really. There was nothing smooth or easy about it. And, frankly, it didn’t get any smoother or easier for either of my two younger daughters. But we got through it, and they wore the necklaces as a symbol of our promise – their promise to God, and my promise to them.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Celebrate Marriage
Alright, by now many of you have probably heard about our series “Satan’s Sex Ed.” If you haven’t, you eventually will. Some have asked why we are talking about this. Well, the main reason is because students are. We live in a city in which students are bombarded with sexual material that is shaping their thinking about sex. Studies tells us that “by the time a typical child reaches ten or eleven years of age, he or she has seen on television and in movies or at least heard about not only sexual intercourse but also oral sex, multiple partners, masturbation, anal sex, and any other form of sexual expression and experimentation a human can invent.” (Clark, pg. 130) This may come as a shock, but I can tell you that doesn’t surprise me. You wouldn’t believe the conversations I have already had with my son due to some of the things he has seen and heard. It seems that the sexual material our students encounter has left them thinking sex is just simply a physical act that is void of intimacy, love, and commitment that God reveals to us in the scriptures.
What can we do as parents? Well, as Christians we must model what a healthy Christian marriage should look like. Over the years I have noticed that many teens and young adults do not think too highly of marriage as they have seen, or heard about, how over half of all first-time marriages fail. Yet, what has surprised me is how closely teens and young adults will watch my marriage to see if it is any different from the other marriages they have experienced. As married Christians we must celebrate and model marriage as God intended it to be. One the greatest gifts you can give your children is not a car, a computer or even a college education. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to model what a God honoring marriage looks like. Sex is a gift from God given to us to be enjoyed within marriage. It is a gift given to you to express the deep feelings of love, trust, romance and desire for your spouse. So let’s fight to show this to our children. Do your teens know that you love each other? Do they see how you show affection to your spouse? Do they see how you forgive and discuss your differences in a loving way? How are you working on building your marriage? Is your marriage one that your children long to have one day? These are questions that cross my mind when I think about and pray for my children’s future marriages.
Websites to check out….
Marital Support: http://www.canyonridge.org/default.aspx?page=8561
Marriage 101: http://www.canyonridge.org/default.aspx?page=8442
*Clark, Chap. Hurt: inside the world of today's teenagers. 2004. Baker: Grand Rapids.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 5
Think back to your teenage years and do an honest assessment of your intellectual ability during that time. Many of us can think back to poor decisions we made and how we are so thankful that things didn’t get worse. If you were like me, during that time you thought you knew everything. Parents and teachers didn’t quite have the same intellectual superiority to us that they did when we were young kids. In Chapter 5 of The Space Between, Mueller does a great job quickly explaining some of the intellectual changes teenagers make.
In week three of this blog series I made this statement in regards to teenagers, “the mind hasn’t caught up with the body.” While reading this chapter you’ll understand why. Mueller shares some pretty interesting insights to the teenage brain development. On page 63 he quotes an expert in brain development, Laurence Steinberg of Temple University, as saying, “The parts of the brain responsible for things like sensation seeking are getting turned on in big ways around the time of puberty, but the parts for exercising judgment are still maturing throughout the course of adolescence.” On this same page Mueller shares how “the brain’s prefrontal cortex is the last part to develop. This is the area that controls impulses, planning, organizing, prioritizing, judging future consequences, making complex assessments, self-control, and emotional regulation.” With that Dr. Mueller devoted a section of this chapter to sexuality and the reason it is so important for parents to model and teach what God’s word has to say about this topic.
Mueller made some interesting statements in regards to teenage sexuality while referencing the book Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Drs. Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr. and Freda McKissic Bush. He quotes this book as saying that sex before marriage can damage “the important, built-in ability to develop significant and meaningful connection to other human beings. Another negative consequence is that as young people experience these sexual relationships” it’s “molding them to not only damage their attachment ability but to become desensitized to the risk of short-term sexual relationships, eventually believing that this behavior is harmless and acceptable, and does not involve the psychological and mental health part of themselves.” What is interesting is how the research showed that by honoring the God-given principles for sex in scripture, teens and adults experience sex the way it was always intended to be.
Mueller gives several great suggestions for parents. One that stuck out was to challenge teens on their views and beliefs that you may not agree with. He talked about how he didn’t hesitate to share his concerns in regards to his children’s media choices, but he encouraged them to “make a case for why I might be wrong.” (Mueller pg. 68) By doing this he believes that parents can help their teens develop some critical thinking skills that will help their development.
One other area he talked about was correction. He said there will be times in which “you’ll become your teenager’s prefrontal cortex.” (Mueller pg. 68) When I read that I laughed. What a picture! Anyway, just like in the very first blog on the book “Pastor Dad” I would encourage you to spend hours with your teen enjoying that relationship. Remember your teen is a gift from God. We are not saying to be soft, but rather that correction happens best in the context of a loving relationship. Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those he loves. There will be times in which we must protect our kids, but make sure to model right and wrong and to explain the consequences.
As always, we’re praying for you.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 4
One of the things you have probably noticed is that I tend to only talk about a few of the principles from each chapter. I do this in order to give you some immediate application steps that you can implement at home. This book is extremely insightful and this next chapter that I read proves just that. Please don’t limit your reading to only this blog. Buy the book. It’s great and really isn’t that long. It around 120 pages and it is well worth it. You can find this book in the bookstore at church.
If you searched for answers to the week one questions you have probably discovered that adolescents today is different from your time. Peer pressure is not exactly the same is it? Peer pressure for many individuals consisted of two or more people engaging in a behavior they all knew was wrong. However, “in today’s you-decide-for-yourself-what’s-right-and-wrong world, peer pressure typically takes the form of an unspoken expectation to participate in behavior that the overwhelming majority of your teen’s peers---and our culture---believes is normal, right and expected.” (Mueller pg. 52) Not only have you noticed that peer pressure is different but so is the way that teens communicate. Much of face to face contact seems to be less and less as things like texting, facebook, and twitter continues to grow.
This time can be difficult for parents as their child’s relationships with peers seem to take precedent over family. However, Mueller encourages parents not to “misinterpret this as rejection.” (Mueller pg. 50) One of the goals of parenting is to raise our children in a way that one day they will become independent, living their lives for the glory of God. It is during this time that parents start to see their children taking bigger steps of independence with jobs, cars, college choices, and friendships. This is normal, and a great opportunity for parents to engage their teen’s lives. One thing that Mueller says is that studies do show “that teenagers are increasingly expressing a desire to spend more time with their families.” (Mueller pg. 51) There are many speculations on why this may be, but in my experience with talking to teens this seems to be the case. So make sure you’re around for times of spontaneous deep discussion with our teen (if you haven’t gone out to eat with your teen yet this could be a good time).
With that Mueller again gives some great suggestions for parents. As teens begin to build relationships with other peers it is important that we model what a real friendship looks like. I once heard someone say that more is caught rather than taught. That could be true, and as parents we need to make sure that we are living out Matt. 22:39 to “love our neighbor.” Think of the way you talk and act around friends, family and co-workers. If you are like me you haven’t always lived out Matt. 22:39. This is a great time to confess your faults to God, and also confess to your teen. Share with them how this isn’t the way Jesus desires for us to treat others, how you’re so appreciative of his grace, and how that grace is still working in your life. This will show them not only that you are still growing in your faith, but also how they are to respond when they sin.
One other thing we need to do is over communicate our love for teens. You probably remember how hurtful teens can be toward each other during conflict. Things are said that tend to leave a lasting impression. Studies show that a close relationship between parents and teenagers increases self-esteem and the ability to stand up to negative influences. So take time today to say and show your teen how much you love them. “Resiliency is built into our kids through building relationships with our kids.” (Mueller pg. 54)
A Couple of Questions to Consider:
1. What are some current peer pressure expectations of teenagers today?
2. How can I say and show my teen love in a way that they will receive it? (Book: 5 Love Languages of Teenagers)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 3
Think back to when you were a teenager. How did you feel? What changes were you experiencing? What were your biggest fears? What would you have done differently? I can recall many conversations with college students and young adults that contain this line, “If only I knew what I know now back in high school I would have ________ (fill in the blank).” The sad thing to me is when that line is said with a feeling of regret. As parents we have an opportunity to help change that line for our kids as we share with them the truth of the scriptures through both our words and actions.
In Chapter 3 Mueller does a great job talking about the physical changes teenagers experience. One thing he points out is how these physical changes are starting earlier in life. Back in the 19th century puberty began around 17, but today it is “happening at the average age of 12.” (Mueller pg. 38) There is speculation to why this is happening but one thing is true, the mind hasn’t caught up with the body.
Teens live in a culture in which the media floods them “with thousands of images daily, each one contributing to a set of appearance standards that become the benchmark for being normal, acceptable, likeable, and lovable.” (Mueller pg. 40) Our teens’ world is filled with an immense amount of pressure to live up to that unrealistic cultural norm. This can lead to standing in front of the mirror questioning their physical appearance, an increase in excessive exercise, potentially unhealthy eating patterns, parental conflicts over dress, and more. It’s true that this can become a frustrating and stressful time for parents. However, it is important for us to realize that much of this behavior can be rooted in a belief that not living up to this cultural norm can leave a teen feeling unloved and unaccepted (this is especially true for middle school students in which being accepted is extremely important). Therefore, instead of addressing only the behavior, we need to also lovingly address the belief with the truth of God’s word.
Mueller gives several insightful suggestions for parents, but one over arching point is that parents have a tremendous opportunity to speak truth into their teen’s life during this strenuous time. One thing that I know to be true is that teens can and will at times push back from your conversation. This can especially be true when having “the talk”. I have seen this happen not only to parents, but also from youth leaders that have tried to have a conversation with teens. No matter how much they push back, we need to lovingly fight through it. Teens are looking for answers to their questions, and if parents don’t engage into this discussion they will seek answers from peers and media. “The Talk” shouldn’t be a one time conversation, but a series of conversations. Take time to find out what they believe about sex, friendship, their identity, and more.
Parents, let me encourage you to invest time and money into these conversations. Set up a consistent time for you to take your teen out for a meal and commit to turning off both of your cell phones. Talk with them about their lives, and show them that during that meal they have your full attention. It is our joy to assist you as you lead your kids. Please don’t hesitate to contact us if there is anything we can do to help you. Know that we are diligently praying for you all.
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