There’s no particular order for the Five Love Languages, but let’s start where Dr. Chapman starts in the book, with Words of Affirmation.
The old saying, “Actions speak louder than words,” isn’t always true. For the child (or spouse) whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, words will probably always speak louder than actions. Hearing positive, affirming, encouraging words is like gulping in emotional oxygen for a person with the love language of Words of Affirmation. But the opposite is true, too. When a Words of Affirmation person doesn’t hear these positive, affirming, encouraging words, it’s like someone’s standing on their oxygen line. Insults (even little ones) can leave them feeling deeply wounded, and can sometimes take a very long time to be forgotten.
But empty, fluffy positive, affirming and encouraging words won’t work, either. Insincere or meaningless affirmation is nothing more than flattery. And once a person discovers it’s only flattery, there’s nothing appealing about it. It will eventually become offensive to them. It’s like emotional cotton candy. There’s no substance to it. Just the initial happy taste. But when the taste is gone, there’s really nothing else left behind, except a hunger for something more. Most kids don’t know what that “something more” is. They can’t articulate that they feel it’s missing. Their subconscious emotional radar will stay up and active for what they think feels like something more, though. And when they come across it, they will be magnetically drawn to it, whether it’s really good for them or not.
Words of Affirmation that make a difference and feed a person’s soul are authentic and true. Hearing, “I love you,” is so important to every kid. But for the person who has Words of Affirmation as a primary love language, hearing why they are loved, or hearing what they are loved for can send them soaring.
If you discover that your kid is a Words of Affirmation person, here’s a suggestion: make a private list of “Ten Things I Love About You,” and work from that list every day, telling them why you love them. Things like, “I love your sense of humor. You crack me up!” Or “I love how you watch out for your little brother (or sister).” Or “I love that I don’t have to wonder what you’re thinking.”
You may sometimes have to really strain your brain to think of positive and encouraging things that are true about your kids. Let’s face it, there are seasons in a kid’s life when there just isn’t much positive happening. But if you’re willing to partner with God on this, He will help you see positive things that you might have missed. So ask Him for His help! It’s a request He wants to grant.
Notice that the suggestions I gave for Words of Affirmation aren’t huge things. I didn’t put, “I think you’ll one day be President of the United States,” on the list. Or, “Look out Michael Jordan! You’ll break his records.” The truth is, your kid isn’t likely to break Michel’s records, and they may not become a prominent political figure, let alone the President. Target character traits, not just behaviors for your list. This will help you tell your kid (and yourself) that your love for them isn’t conditional. In other words, you don’t love them only when they perform or behave in a certain way. You love them, period. Their behavior can’t ever change that. But when they demonstrate character development by their behavior, TELL THEM! Look for these character qualities in them, and encourage them by appreciating them. Do your best to find 10 things for this list, and then, over time, take it to 20 things, and work from it every day.
If you were raised in a home where compliments weren’t given, where the fear was that if people heard too many positive things about themselves, they’d get “the Big Head,” or become prideful, speaking your Words of Affirmation to your kids (and spouse) may be hard at first. Treat it like any other skill. You’ll get good at it by doing it. So do it, even if it sounds and feels odd at first. Trust God to help you grow in the skill of speaking Words of Affirmation.
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