Quality Time people need your undivided attention. They need your undistracted presence. They’re less interested in what the activity might be when they’re with you, and way more interested in the fact that they had you for the time it took to do the activity. If you’re a Quality Time person, you’ll get this instantly. But if you’re not, it probably won’t make any sense to you.
Back in the 80’s there was an idea making the rounds that a few minutes of quality time with your kids were better than hours of not-quality time. In some ways, this is true. Twenty really golden minutes are, well, golden. But what isn’t true is that you can spend 20 quality minutes with your kid in 20 minutes. You can’t.
Quality is always a function of quantity. If you want 20 minutes of Quality Time with your kid(s), you may need an hour to get it. The other 40 minutes plow the ground for the 20 quality minutes you have with your kid. There’s no mathematical formula for it, but the principle is that you’ll always need more time than you think you need to get whatever amount of Quality Time you want to get or give. Count on it.
If your kid (or spouse) is a Quality Time person, distractions, postponements and failure to show up are huge dings and disappointments for them. They will feel hurt and disrespected if you commit (or they think you’ve committed) to do something or show up and give them time, and then you don’t make it. Even if you think you have a good reason (which you might have), they will still be hurt.
A phrase Quality Time people love to hear is, “Hey, I want to spend some time with you. When can we do that, and what would you like to do?”
Adolescents probably won’t fire off any fireworks when you say this to them. They may hardly even grunt. But if Quality Time is their love language, your request for time with them will open their heart. Give them time to think about it, and then come back with the same question. And then FOLLOW THROUGH. You can turn a huge deposit in their emotional bank – asking to spend quality time with them – into a huge withdrawal by failing to show up and follow through. DON’T COMMIT TO WHAT YOU WON’T SACRIFICE FOR. Follow through!
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