Most everybody likes getting gifts. But people whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts get more from getting a gift than the gift. Don’t misunderstand this for simple selfishness or plane old materialism. For the one who has Receiving Gifts as their primary love language, what’s behind the gift is perhaps more important than what the actual gift is. They hear love when they receive a gift, because they’re hearing the thoughtfulness, care and effort that went into picking out the gift. In other words, they hear the meaning of the gift. The good news for the one giving the gift in this scenario is that the size and cost of the gift are secondary. The intangibles are much more important.
When your kid (or spouse) with the Receiving Gifts love language gets a well thought-out and carefully selected gift from you, they get a powerful message of love. They feel cared for and treasured. They notice the sacrifice required to find and get, and then give the gift. For them, this is part of the gift.
There’s an old story about a class of young children in a school in Africa who brought their teacher Christmas gifts. Each one put their gift on the teacher’s desk and heard her make affirming comments about the gifts, expressing her gratitude. (Hey, what do you think that would have done for a kid with Words of Affirmation as their love language?...) There was a wide assortment of trinkets and homemade items brought by the children. Finally, one boy in the class brought a beautiful sea shell and put it on the teacher’s desk.
“What a beautiful gift,” the teacher said. “We are a two-day journey inland from the sea. How ever did you get this wonderful shell for me?”
“I walked to the sea to get it,” the boy responded.
“Oh, my!” the teacher exclaimed. “You made that long journey?”
“The journey,” the boy said with a shy smile, “is part of the gift.”
That’s how it is with people who have Receiving Gifts as their primary love language. The journey is part of the gift for them. Like the boy in this story, they connect the journey and the gift. And it makes the message behind the gift even more powerful for them.
Often, people with this as their primary love language apply the same kind of time and effort into giving gifts as they are delighted by when they receive a gift. One of our daughters has Receiving Gifts as her primary love language. She agonizes over what is the just-right gift to give. She begins planning her Christmas gift-giving in July because she wants to communicate her love in the best possible way with the gifts she gives. I don’t ever expect to hear her say, “I’ll run in and pick a quick little gift…” For her, a “quick little gift” isn’t a gift at all, unless it’s been thought through and planned in advance so that the trip can be quick, but the gift still meaningful. You can see why, can’t you? If the gift is an expression of love, the more thoughtful it is, the clearer the “I love you” in it is.
Missing a Receiving Gifts person’s birthday, or anniversary, or throwing a hasty gift in their direction would all be disastrous. Everyday gestures are powerful, too. Their absence will create the same kind of emotional difficulty as a Words of Affirmation person not hearing affirming words, or a Quality Time person not having quality time with you. It will drain their emotional tank and leave them feeling unloved.
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