The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 1

I am really excited to introduce you to this great book by Dr. Walt Mueller called The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development. The title says it all. For over 30 years Dr. Mueller has studied not only adolescents, but also the culture in which they live in. He knows his stuff, and he has lived it out. Mueller has four children and has graduated three of them out of adolescents. This book is short, full of practical information for parents, and it is biblical. Dr. Mueller loves God and knows that what teens need the most in their lives is a relationship with Jesus Christ.

The chapters of this book are full useful information for you as a parent. Allow me a few minutes to explain one of the many highlights we will talk about throughout this blog.

1. Discovering adolescents all over again!

Mueller quotes Earl Wilson as defining an adolescent as “an adult trying to happen.” I can’t help but to agree with him. This in between stage from childhood to adulthood is filled with great opportunities and challenges. However, you may find it interesting that not long ago there wasn’t such thing as a teenage culture. You were either a child or an adult. It wasn’t until 1941 that the term teenager was used as a result of a “social and economic invention.” (Mueller, pg. 17) Since that time rapid growth has taken place which as resulted in great opportunity and confusion. The current adolescent culture is complex, and teens are growing up faster with each passing year due to what they experience. “While most kids experience puberty between ages 11 and 14, it can occur anywhere from the ages of 10 to 17. In recent years research has found that both boys and girls are entering puberty at younger ages.” (Mueller pg. 37) Yet, there is no need to fear. This is just a great opportunity for us to learn and grow in order to discover adolescents all over again. Below you will see some great questions that Mueller believes every parent should be asking themselves in order to learn more about their teen.

1. What is their world like?

2. What makes them tick?

3. What changes are they experiencing?

4. Why do they think and act the way they do?

5. How can I begin to facilitate a smoother adolescent period for my teenager-supporting, loving, and leading my teenager in a way that brings honor to God?

6. How can I begin to break through the walls of confusion, fear, frustration, and misunderstanding?

7. How can I be a positive and proactive bridge-builder into the life and world of my teenager?

These are some great questions in order to study your teen. Learn about them, and really listen. Think of creative ways you can discover the answers to these questions. Your teenager is a gift from God entrusted to your care. As parents we are called to model and speak truth into our kid’s lives, while trusting in the Holy Spirit to do that work that only he can do. Take some time this week to learn, and know that we are diligently praying for you all.

Do Hard Things: Part Two—Five Types of Hard

Part one looked at the problem of low expectations for our teens, and if you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend going back to that post first. It won’t do you much good to understand the hard things teens are up against unless you first believe teens both can and need to do them.

1. Outside Your Comfort Zone

 Think of a fear you once faced as a child that seems silly now. Brett shares the horrifying memory of his first shower, getting water in his eyes and maybe even his ears. For you it may be your first day of school or a new job. Encourage your kid the fear they’re facing will one day be as ancient as tying their shoes or riding the bus. Expanding your comfort zone is an important part of growing up.

God works through your weakness. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is refusing to allow fear to control your actions. Also, we all love to win—it’s bred into us from the beginning. However, you can’t reach success without risking failure. And usually you start off awful. But anything worth doing is worth doing poorly—at first. Our high expectations aren’t to succeed the first time, but to get there as we can. This turns failure on its head, making it work for us rather than against us. It makes failure a way to grow stronger, not a reason to give up.

2. Beyond What’s Expected

 The current level of expectation for teens is in not doing a lot of things: drugs, alcohol, parties. It’s too easy to let that become our standard of a good teen (and sadly, sometimes, of our faith). It’s not easy to shoot for the metaphorical A when we know the world will smile and pat us on the back with a C-. That’s why the Bible sets such high standards—so we would never mistake God as approving of our complacency. Don’t be afraid to hold your kid to what you find in scripture, even if they’re already better than the kids around them. God’s idea of holiness isn’t being bigger than the fish next to you in your small pond.

Also, “Do what’s hard for you” is solid advice if your child happens to excel at a few things. A lot of students hide behind a big strength or two so they can ignore other weaknesses. But being a basketball pro won’t help you in life if it teaches you that you can skate by without trying in school or helping out around the house. God wants well-rounded disciples, and excellence is an all-too-common excuse to hide other weaknesses.

3. The Big and 4. The Small

 If your kid has a big challenge in front of them, it’s obviously going to intimidate him or her, and Harris’s advice is to find like-minded individuals who share the vision and work together. But sometimes it’s the small hard things that we don’t understand why they seem so difficult. The insight offered is:

• They don’t usually go away after you do them. “The bed doesn’t stay made, teeth don’t stay brushed, and there’s always another test and another temptation.”

• They don’t seem very important. “How does spending time with my little brother compare to raising money for orphans in Africa?”

• They don’t seem to make any difference. “Whose life is changed that I made my bed this morning or drove the speed limit?”

• No one is watching. “Everyone’s impressed because she’s running a charity for cancer patients, but no one knows or cares that I’m taking care of Grandma and studying for the SATs.”

But pointless as it may seem, they make all the difference. Sure, one push-up doesn’t change you, but given enough time with a simple routine can do a lot of shaping. We think parents should expect big hard things from their kids, but that doesn’t mean we sacrifice expecting the small hard things along the way.

5. Against The Crowd.

 This can be one of the worst obstacles between your kid and hard things. No one wants to sacrifice their security in what feels like a wild jungle at school. But teens have to realize the world can’t understand what they believe unless they live it out. And in the end, they’ll always be glad they did. Years after the social nightmare, imagine asking your kid which was easier, avoiding certain parties for a few years or dealing with the consequences of alcohol, drug addiction, broken relationships, unwanted pregnancies, and sexually transmitted diseases. The key to this hard thing is remembering what seems hard now will probably be easier in the long run.

That’s all for Do Hard Things on the PEB, but you can get lots more by checking out some of the incredible stories in the book itself, or see what the revolution is up to these days by checking out http://rebelutionaries.blogspot.com/.