The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 5

Think back to your teenage years and do an honest assessment of your intellectual ability during that time. Many of us can think back to poor decisions we made and how we are so thankful that things didn’t get worse. If you were like me, during that time you thought you knew everything. Parents and teachers didn’t quite have the same intellectual superiority to us that they did when we were young kids. In Chapter 5 of The Space Between, Mueller does a great job quickly explaining some of the intellectual changes teenagers make.

In week three of this blog series I made this statement in regards to teenagers, “the mind hasn’t caught up with the body.” While reading this chapter you’ll understand why. Mueller shares some pretty interesting insights to the teenage brain development. On page 63 he quotes an expert in brain development, Laurence Steinberg of Temple University, as saying, “The parts of the brain responsible for things like sensation seeking are getting turned on in big ways around the time of puberty, but the parts for exercising judgment are still maturing throughout the course of adolescence.” On this same page Mueller shares how “the brain’s prefrontal cortex is the last part to develop. This is the area that controls impulses, planning, organizing, prioritizing, judging future consequences, making complex assessments, self-control, and emotional regulation.” With that Dr. Mueller devoted a section of this chapter to sexuality and the reason it is so important for parents to model and teach what God’s word has to say about this topic.

Mueller made some interesting statements in regards to teenage sexuality while referencing the book Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Drs. Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr. and Freda McKissic Bush. He quotes this book as saying that sex before marriage can damage “the important, built-in ability to develop significant and meaningful connection to other human beings. Another negative consequence is that as young people experience these sexual relationships” it’s “molding them to not only damage their attachment ability but to become desensitized to the risk of short-term sexual relationships, eventually believing that this behavior is harmless and acceptable, and does not involve the psychological and mental health part of themselves.” What is interesting is how the research showed that by honoring the God-given principles for sex in scripture, teens and adults experience sex the way it was always intended to be.

Mueller gives several great suggestions for parents. One that stuck out was to challenge teens on their views and beliefs that you may not agree with. He talked about how he didn’t hesitate to share his concerns in regards to his children’s media choices, but he encouraged them to “make a case for why I might be wrong.” (Mueller pg. 68) By doing this he believes that parents can help their teens develop some critical thinking skills that will help their development.

One other area he talked about was correction. He said there will be times in which “you’ll become your teenager’s prefrontal cortex.” (Mueller pg. 68) When I read that I laughed. What a picture! Anyway, just like in the very first blog on the book “Pastor Dad” I would encourage you to spend hours with your teen enjoying that relationship. Remember your teen is a gift from God. We are not saying to be soft, but rather that correction happens best in the context of a loving relationship. Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those he loves. There will be times in which we must protect our kids, but make sure to model right and wrong and to explain the consequences.

As always, we’re praying for you.

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 4

One of the things you have probably noticed is that I tend to only talk about a few of the principles from each chapter. I do this in order to give you some immediate application steps that you can implement at home. This book is extremely insightful and this next chapter that I read proves just that. Please don’t limit your reading to only this blog. Buy the book. It’s great and really isn’t that long. It around 120 pages and it is well worth it. You can find this book in the bookstore at church.

If you searched for answers to the week one questions you have probably discovered that adolescents today is different from your time. Peer pressure is not exactly the same is it? Peer pressure for many individuals consisted of two or more people engaging in a behavior they all knew was wrong. However, “in today’s you-decide-for-yourself-what’s-right-and-wrong world, peer pressure typically takes the form of an unspoken expectation to participate in behavior that the overwhelming majority of your teen’s peers---and our culture---believes is normal, right and expected.” (Mueller pg. 52) Not only have you noticed that peer pressure is different but so is the way that teens communicate. Much of face to face contact seems to be less and less as things like texting, facebook, and twitter continues to grow.

This time can be difficult for parents as their child’s relationships with peers seem to take precedent over family. However, Mueller encourages parents not to “misinterpret this as rejection.” (Mueller pg. 50) One of the goals of parenting is to raise our children in a way that one day they will become independent, living their lives for the glory of God. It is during this time that parents start to see their children taking bigger steps of independence with jobs, cars, college choices, and friendships. This is normal, and a great opportunity for parents to engage their teen’s lives. One thing that Mueller says is that studies do show “that teenagers are increasingly expressing a desire to spend more time with their families.” (Mueller pg. 51) There are many speculations on why this may be, but in my experience with talking to teens this seems to be the case. So make sure you’re around for times of spontaneous deep discussion with our teen (if you haven’t gone out to eat with your teen yet this could be a good time).

With that Mueller again gives some great suggestions for parents. As teens begin to build relationships with other peers it is important that we model what a real friendship looks like. I once heard someone say that more is caught rather than taught. That could be true, and as parents we need to make sure that we are living out Matt. 22:39 to “love our neighbor.” Think of the way you talk and act around friends, family and co-workers. If you are like me you haven’t always lived out Matt. 22:39. This is a great time to confess your faults to God, and also confess to your teen. Share with them how this isn’t the way Jesus desires for us to treat others, how you’re so appreciative of his grace, and how that grace is still working in your life. This will show them not only that you are still growing in your faith, but also how they are to respond when they sin.

One other thing we need to do is over communicate our love for teens. You probably remember how hurtful teens can be toward each other during conflict. Things are said that tend to leave a lasting impression. Studies show that a close relationship between parents and teenagers increases self-esteem and the ability to stand up to negative influences. So take time today to say and show your teen how much you love them. “Resiliency is built into our kids through building relationships with our kids.” (Mueller pg. 54)

A Couple of Questions to Consider:

1. What are some current peer pressure expectations of teenagers today?

2. How can I say and show my teen love in a way that they will receive it? (Book: 5 Love Languages of Teenagers)

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The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 3

Think back to when you were a teenager. How did you feel? What changes were you experiencing? What were your biggest fears? What would you have done differently? I can recall many conversations with college students and young adults that contain this line, “If only I knew what I know now back in high school I would have ________ (fill in the blank).” The sad thing to me is when that line is said with a feeling of regret. As parents we have an opportunity to help change that line for our kids as we share with them the truth of the scriptures through both our words and actions.

In Chapter 3 Mueller does a great job talking about the physical changes teenagers experience. One thing he points out is how these physical changes are starting earlier in life. Back in the 19th century puberty began around 17, but today it is “happening at the average age of 12.” (Mueller pg. 38) There is speculation to why this is happening but one thing is true, the mind hasn’t caught up with the body.

Teens live in a culture in which the media floods them “with thousands of images daily, each one contributing to a set of appearance standards that become the benchmark for being normal, acceptable, likeable, and lovable.” (Mueller pg. 40) Our teens’ world is filled with an immense amount of pressure to live up to that unrealistic cultural norm. This can lead to standing in front of the mirror questioning their physical appearance, an increase in excessive exercise, potentially unhealthy eating patterns, parental conflicts over dress, and more. It’s true that this can become a frustrating and stressful time for parents. However, it is important for us to realize that much of this behavior can be rooted in a belief that not living up to this cultural norm can leave a teen feeling unloved and unaccepted (this is especially true for middle school students in which being accepted is extremely important). Therefore, instead of addressing only the behavior, we need to also lovingly address the belief with the truth of God’s word.

Mueller gives several insightful suggestions for parents, but one over arching point is that parents have a tremendous opportunity to speak truth into their teen’s life during this strenuous time. One thing that I know to be true is that teens can and will at times push back from your conversation. This can especially be true when having “the talk”. I have seen this happen not only to parents, but also from youth leaders that have tried to have a conversation with teens. No matter how much they push back, we need to lovingly fight through it. Teens are looking for answers to their questions, and if parents don’t engage into this discussion they will seek answers from peers and media. “The Talk” shouldn’t be a one time conversation, but a series of conversations. Take time to find out what they believe about sex, friendship, their identity, and more.

Parents, let me encourage you to invest time and money into these conversations. Set up a consistent time for you to take your teen out for a meal and commit to turning off both of your cell phones. Talk with them about their lives, and show them that during that meal they have your full attention. It is our joy to assist you as you lead your kids. Please don’t hesitate to contact us if there is anything we can do to help you. Know that we are diligently praying for you all.