The Space Between: A Parent's Guide To Teenage Development - Part 6

I just got off the phone with my 4 year old.  Hearing his voice brings such a joy to my heart.  With no obligation whatsoever I simply said, “I love you bud.”  With that he responded, “I love you too.”  Those words melt my heart, and I know that as he gets older he is going to act like he doesn’t want to hear that as much, especially in front of his friends.   Yet, one thing I know is that inside he will be crying out for my affirmation and love.  Some of us think back to our teenage years thankful that we heard those words from our parents; others wish they had heard them more. 

Why is this important?  It’s simple.  Teenagers often times determine their identity and a decision based on how it feels.  A negative comment from a friend or their own negative self evaluation after looking in the mirror can send them into a panic.  However, a text from a person they like can send them joyfully through the roof.  One minute they’re down, and in the next minute they act like they just won a million dollars.  To those on the outside, this seems like an emotional rollercoaster.  That is why it is so important that you always remember that you were like that once too.

 As a parent it can be easy to brush off those feelings as normal adolescents, or by simply ignoring them by telling yourself they’ll get through it.  These emotions are what it is like to be a normal teenager.  Muller makes a bold statement by saying, “To be written off by an insensitive parent is the type of rejection that can send a ‘normal’ teenager over the edge to clinical depression and even suicide.  Much of a teenager’s emotional resilience is built in and through a healthy relationship with Mom and Dad.” (Muller, pg. 76).  I don’t believe that this quote is intended to scare you, or to make you walk on egg shells around your teen.  I believe he stresses it to help us realize the importance of our teenager’s emotions.  What may look like a little zit on the face to you is Mt. Everest to your teen.  Can’t you remember that?  In the same way what may seem a little problem to you may be a huge ordeal to your teen.   Teens do overreact, and most of the time that may be case, but it must not encourage us to disregard their feelings.  They are very real to them.  Therefore, the best thing we can do as parents is actively listen. 

There are times in which the emotions of our teen can be a sign of a deeper issue.  Home must be a safe place in which you can lovingly ask questions of your teen to see what is really going on.  You must be prepared that your teen may reject your questioning so that you don’t overreact in the moment.  Just simply reaffirm your love for them.  Understand that you also acted like this, and know that while they soak in their brokenness, your love reveals to them there is a truth that is superior to their emotions.  One of the most powerful insights I have gained over this year is to preach the gospel to myself.  So many times we talk about the love Christ has for those who believe, yet do you realize that love for yourself?  Does your teen?  As parents we must stress the importance of a truth that is real no matter how we feel about it.  Don’t just reaffirm your love, but also the love of Christ. 

If you haven’t picked up this book in our bookstore, do it now.  This chapter had so many incredible insights.  As always know we are praying for you.

Great Idea from Pastor Steve Thomas

It was just about the hardest thing I’d done to that point in my life. My palms were sweaty, my ears were buzzing, I was squirming in my chair like a fat man with hemorrhoids. I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke, or my head would explode. Or maybe I’d just pass out and slide from my chair onto the floor, and lay there like a corps until the EMTs arrived.

Looking back at it, it was a prime moment in my life that I don’t ever want to forget. But as it was unfolding, all I wanted was for it to be over and my blood pressure to come back down from the stratosphere.

A month earlier, Ron, the dad of a couple of the kids in my youth group told me about a powerful idea he had used with his daughter when she turned 12. He heard it from James Dobson and Focus on the Family. When I heard it, I knew it was right for me, the dad of 3 daughters, ages 12, 10 and 9.

Here’s how it goes. Sometime after your daughter is 12, you go to the jeweler and find a necklace with a heart and a key on it. In 1988, I was making a subsistence salary as a youth minister at a mid-size church in Oklahoma, and we were never not strapped for cash. So the heart and key necklace I bought for Becky wasn’t elaborate, and it wasn’t expensive. The good news is that it didn’t have to be, because the symbolism is the deal, not the necklace, itself.

Once you’ve got the necklace, you invite her to her favorite restaurant (which was McDonald’s for my oldest) for a special date. You dress up, and you ask her to dress up. And then you head out for your special night, just you and her.

Once you’re at the restaurant, you do all the things a guy’s supposed to do on a date. You pull out her chair and ask her what she’d like to order (which was all a little difficult at McDonalds, but I managed…). The point is, make her feel special.

Then when you’ve eaten, tell her you have something special for her. Pull the box out of your pocket and give it to her.

When she opens it, you need to be ready to tell her what it represents. And here you go with what I wish I could have been composed enough to say that evening at McDonalds in Tulsa.

“Honey, you know that I love you more than any other girl in the world, except for your mom, don’t you? Well, I wanted to give you this necklace to remind you of that. I don’t ever want you to forget how much I treasure you. I don’t ever want you to wonder if I love you.”

At this point, my daughter didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t need to. Really, I didn’t want her to yet.

You wipe the sweat off your forehead, and gulp, and then say, “You know how your mom told you all that stuff about being a girl and becoming a woman?” (This is a reference to the “sex talk” that every little girl needs to have with their mom around age 12.)

“I don’t want to talk about all that stuff, but I do want to tell you how much I want you be pure for God. I want you to be able to give your purity to your husband, one day, at your wedding.”

I spent a couple of minutes talking about how I knew boys were going to try and get her to give up her purity.

“I hope you’ll wear this necklace every day of your life, honey, right up until your wedding day, so that it can remind you of the promise I’m asking you to make. I want to ask you to promise God that you’ll guard your purity until you’re married. I’m not trying to force this on you. I know you love God and want your life to be the way He wants it to be. So I know this is a promise you want to make.

“I can’t keep this promise for you, and I don’t want it to be that kind of a promise. But I want you to know that nobody in the world wants you to be able to keep this promise as much as I do. If there’s ever anything I can do to help you keep it, all you ever have to do is say so.”

Now, you need to know that I didn’t do nearly as well as this little script makes it sound. I did a whole lot of sweating and stuttering and stammering when I said all this to my 12 year old daughter. I was awful, really. There was nothing smooth or easy about it. And, frankly, it didn’t get any smoother or easier for either of my two younger daughters. But we got through it, and they wore the necklaces as a symbol of our promise – their promise to God, and my promise to them.