Some of the oldest social psychology experiments had to do with the effect of physical touch on the development of infants. The conclusion drawn from all of these experiments was that infants who were touched often and appropriately developed at a better and more healthy rate than those who were deprived of physical touch. I don’t think this would surprise most parents. We know that our physical touch is/was important to our babies.
But for Physical Touch kids, this need doesn’t go away when they’re out of Pampers and into Cruisers and beyond. In fact, for Physical Touch kids, this need may actually intensify as they mature and grow. When this need isn’t met, it can lead to some very high-impact negative choices and their consequences. Physical Tough kids will unconsciously seek to have this need for Physical Touch met. Premature and inappropriate sexual experiences often result from a kid not having their Physical Touch needs met in appropriate ways. And in a culture where sex sells everything and reaches out from every media source, the stakes are higher than ever for our kids’ purity. So learning to be effective in speaking the love language of Physical Touch is so important that it can hardly be overstated.
Physical Touch people hear “I love you” when they are touched. In ways almost opposite to Words of Affirmation people, for these people, your actions are more important than and speak louder than your words. A hug, a gentle stroke of their hair, a soft touch of their shoulder, pats on the back, holding hands, or one of dozens of other appropriate touches breath emotional oxygen into a Physical Touch person’s soul.
This is sometimes easier to work with when kids are young than when they are in their adolescent years. Many adolescents resist physical touch because they fear it will be misinterpreted by their peers as weakness and softness. This is especially, but not exclusively, true of boys. If you’ve tried to hug your boy when dropping them off for a school or church event, where there are other teens present, you know they will often bristle against your hug. This sometimes happens even with kids whose primary love language is Physical Touch. It can be a bit like hugging a porcupine. (By the way, you know how to hug a porcupine, don’t you? Very carefully…) But even when they seem to bristle, there’s a part of a Physical Touch kid that still longs to feel your loving and appropriate touch.
The word “appropriate” should be in ALL CAPS. The statistics for physical and sexual abuse in our culture are alarming. More lives than ever before have been wrecked because of inappropriate physical touch. National statistics indicate that one in three of the women who will read this blog have been physically and/or sexually abused. For men, the statistics are roughly half those of women. It’s an issue that isn’t going away in our world. So we have to talk about what is appropriate touch and what isn’t. But the fact is that doing this isn’t that difficult. The dividing line between appropriate and inappropriate touch is actually pretty easy to describe. Appropriate touch is non-sexual and non-violent. People who have no sense of the distinction for the line on these two things are called perpetrators and abusers.
Speaking your Physical Touch child’s love language is all about being mature enough to know where this line is, and letting it inform and educate your approach to your kid’s need, without letting it keep you from really engaging with them, physically.
Sometimes dads struggle to know how to engage their Physical Touch daughters, as their little girls become young women. Out of fear, some dads quit hugging and touching, altogether. They don’t want to offend their daughter or be misunderstood to be touching them inappropriately. This is a legitimate concern. But it doesn’t need to keep a dad from speaking his Physical Touch daughter’s love language. Affectionate hugs, gently stroking her cheek, or patting her on the back, or holding her hand are all ways you can speak the Physical Touch love language.
With boys, don’t be afraid to rough house with them, even when they get into their teens. Be careful, though. They might be able to take you out! Which they’ll rub in when they do. Just be emotionally prepared for the fact that you’ll have a little “Alpha Dog” competition.
Teen-aged boys also need other more affectionate touches from both their mom and their dad. Dad, don’t relegate the affection stuff to Mom. Pat your boy on the back, tussle his hair, even hug him. Look for the right time, but don’t quit being physically affectionate with your boy.
Some Suggestions
OK, that just scrapes the surface of the whole Love Language thing. It’s enough to get you thinking, but it’s not nearly enough to help you become really effective in speaking your kid’s (or your spouse’s) Love Language.
I have two recommendations for going further with this. First, go to this web site and access the many FREE resources available there (especially the Assessments): http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. I think it’s the finest resource you’ll come across for The Five Love Languages.
The second suggestion is that you purchase one of the Five Love Language books (we have them in our Canyon Echo Bookstore). Choose the one that seems to best fit with your family’s season. Read it for yourself, and let God use it to help you develop your skills as a loving parent.
One more suggestion… Keep checking back on this great blog. You can find all kinds of great helps and suggestions and resources here. Hey, we’re in your corner! We believe you can have a great family and raise fabulous kids. We’re your partner. And God believes this about you, too! Together we can form a great partnership.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Hypersocialized Generation
Hey Parents & Students,
Go to this link (http://www.albertmohler.com/category/video/) and click on The Hypersocialized Generation video. It is well worth 35 minutes of your time. Hope you all are doing well. You're in our prayers.
Go to this link (http://www.albertmohler.com/category/video/) and click on The Hypersocialized Generation video. It is well worth 35 minutes of your time. Hope you all are doing well. You're in our prayers.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Love Languages: Acts of Service
This is the Love Language that I am least likely to hear or speak. I’m just not wired for it. But for anyone who is, they will instantly know how powerfully they hear “I love you,” when someone does an act of service for them. For these Acts of Service people, coming home to find their room has been vacuumed, or their clothes have been folded and put away is a huge love gift. Hearing the words, “Here, let me do that for you,” can pump emotional oxygen into their world. Running the vacuum, or washing their car, or cleaning the cat litter box for them probably seems like a meaningless activity to anyone who doesn’t speak Acts of Service as their primary love language. But to the Acts of Service person, they hear love and affection when you do these things for them.
This sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, who can’t run the vacuum? Cleaning the cat litter or picking the dog do up in the back yard doesn’t cost a cent. The recipient of this activity doesn’t even have to be present when you do it, so there’s no confining time-frame to work within. You can make the bed or fold the clothes on your schedule, not theirs.
All this is true, and it’s an appealing part of responding in the Acts of Service language. But here’s something that you need to file away. Not every act of service is equal. There are times when a very small act of service will communicate a very big message of love. And then there are times when that same act of service will almost go unnoticed. Here’s the key: As with all the other love languages, Acts of Service are best spoken on the recipient’s terms, not the giver’s. In other words, just because you think you’d like it if somebody did a particular act of service for you, that doesn’t mean that your Acts of Service kid (or spouse) will. The key question is, “what would they like?” Not, “what do I want to do for them,” or “what would I like if someone did it for me?”
If you’re having trouble thinking of meaningful Acts of Service, sit down with a piece of paper, or at your computer, and start making a list of things you’ve ever heard your kid or spouse express thanks for when you’ve done them. Any special meals? Any way you’ve been able to do something for them that they somehow told you was good for them? Anything you did for them so they didn’t have to worry about it or bother with it that they said made a difference for them? Create your list and add to it. If your list is small, don’t worry about that. Add things that you think might work, and then be experimental with them. See if your idea rings their chime. If it doesn’t, take it off the list. If it does, keep it on the list, and work the list all the time.
A word of caution is in order here. If you’re an Acts of Service person, you’ll find gratification in doing acts of service for your kids (and spouse). And we all keep doing things we get gratification from. But sometimes the good things we do for other people are just a breath away from being what psychologists call “negative enabling.” If my act of service makes you more dependant on me, it might be “negative enabling.” If I’m doing your work for you, instead of letting you do the things you should do for yourself so you’ll grow and develop your personal responsibility muscles, I’m getting into “negative enabling” land. Offering an Act of Service as an expression of love isn’t wrong. But when a pattern of me doing your work for you develops, there’s a problem. The rule on this that makes the best sense and works the best is never do for them what they need to do for themselves. Because if you do, you will steal from them the chance to grow into their God-given stewardship and responsibility for their life.
Adolescents usually will let you do for them anything you want to do, as long as it means they get out of working. Really. Some kids are that way… So when a kid starts acting entitled to an Act of Service, that’s when you might need to think about pulling the plug on the activity. For a while, at least. Identify what their secondary love language is, and go to work with it. But if the gratitude level dips dramatically, that’s a sign that the love message isn’t getting through. Sometimes it’s just a selfish part of the kid’s development.
Knowing when and how much to do for your kid or spouse whose love language is Acts of Service takes sensitivity and finesse. The good news is that God wants to make you wise (see James 1:5), and this includes wisdom to know how to speak your kid’s and/or spouse’s love language, and when to change your approach.
This sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, who can’t run the vacuum? Cleaning the cat litter or picking the dog do up in the back yard doesn’t cost a cent. The recipient of this activity doesn’t even have to be present when you do it, so there’s no confining time-frame to work within. You can make the bed or fold the clothes on your schedule, not theirs.
All this is true, and it’s an appealing part of responding in the Acts of Service language. But here’s something that you need to file away. Not every act of service is equal. There are times when a very small act of service will communicate a very big message of love. And then there are times when that same act of service will almost go unnoticed. Here’s the key: As with all the other love languages, Acts of Service are best spoken on the recipient’s terms, not the giver’s. In other words, just because you think you’d like it if somebody did a particular act of service for you, that doesn’t mean that your Acts of Service kid (or spouse) will. The key question is, “what would they like?” Not, “what do I want to do for them,” or “what would I like if someone did it for me?”
If you’re having trouble thinking of meaningful Acts of Service, sit down with a piece of paper, or at your computer, and start making a list of things you’ve ever heard your kid or spouse express thanks for when you’ve done them. Any special meals? Any way you’ve been able to do something for them that they somehow told you was good for them? Anything you did for them so they didn’t have to worry about it or bother with it that they said made a difference for them? Create your list and add to it. If your list is small, don’t worry about that. Add things that you think might work, and then be experimental with them. See if your idea rings their chime. If it doesn’t, take it off the list. If it does, keep it on the list, and work the list all the time.
A word of caution is in order here. If you’re an Acts of Service person, you’ll find gratification in doing acts of service for your kids (and spouse). And we all keep doing things we get gratification from. But sometimes the good things we do for other people are just a breath away from being what psychologists call “negative enabling.” If my act of service makes you more dependant on me, it might be “negative enabling.” If I’m doing your work for you, instead of letting you do the things you should do for yourself so you’ll grow and develop your personal responsibility muscles, I’m getting into “negative enabling” land. Offering an Act of Service as an expression of love isn’t wrong. But when a pattern of me doing your work for you develops, there’s a problem. The rule on this that makes the best sense and works the best is never do for them what they need to do for themselves. Because if you do, you will steal from them the chance to grow into their God-given stewardship and responsibility for their life.
Adolescents usually will let you do for them anything you want to do, as long as it means they get out of working. Really. Some kids are that way… So when a kid starts acting entitled to an Act of Service, that’s when you might need to think about pulling the plug on the activity. For a while, at least. Identify what their secondary love language is, and go to work with it. But if the gratitude level dips dramatically, that’s a sign that the love message isn’t getting through. Sometimes it’s just a selfish part of the kid’s development.
Knowing when and how much to do for your kid or spouse whose love language is Acts of Service takes sensitivity and finesse. The good news is that God wants to make you wise (see James 1:5), and this includes wisdom to know how to speak your kid’s and/or spouse’s love language, and when to change your approach.
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