Some of the oldest social psychology experiments had to do with the effect of physical touch on the development of infants. The conclusion drawn from all of these experiments was that infants who were touched often and appropriately developed at a better and more healthy rate than those who were deprived of physical touch. I don’t think this would surprise most parents. We know that our physical touch is/was important to our babies.
But for Physical Touch kids, this need doesn’t go away when they’re out of Pampers and into Cruisers and beyond. In fact, for Physical Touch kids, this need may actually intensify as they mature and grow. When this need isn’t met, it can lead to some very high-impact negative choices and their consequences. Physical Tough kids will unconsciously seek to have this need for Physical Touch met. Premature and inappropriate sexual experiences often result from a kid not having their Physical Touch needs met in appropriate ways. And in a culture where sex sells everything and reaches out from every media source, the stakes are higher than ever for our kids’ purity. So learning to be effective in speaking the love language of Physical Touch is so important that it can hardly be overstated.
Physical Touch people hear “I love you” when they are touched. In ways almost opposite to Words of Affirmation people, for these people, your actions are more important than and speak louder than your words. A hug, a gentle stroke of their hair, a soft touch of their shoulder, pats on the back, holding hands, or one of dozens of other appropriate touches breath emotional oxygen into a Physical Touch person’s soul.
This is sometimes easier to work with when kids are young than when they are in their adolescent years. Many adolescents resist physical touch because they fear it will be misinterpreted by their peers as weakness and softness. This is especially, but not exclusively, true of boys. If you’ve tried to hug your boy when dropping them off for a school or church event, where there are other teens present, you know they will often bristle against your hug. This sometimes happens even with kids whose primary love language is Physical Touch. It can be a bit like hugging a porcupine. (By the way, you know how to hug a porcupine, don’t you? Very carefully…) But even when they seem to bristle, there’s a part of a Physical Touch kid that still longs to feel your loving and appropriate touch.
The word “appropriate” should be in ALL CAPS. The statistics for physical and sexual abuse in our culture are alarming. More lives than ever before have been wrecked because of inappropriate physical touch. National statistics indicate that one in three of the women who will read this blog have been physically and/or sexually abused. For men, the statistics are roughly half those of women. It’s an issue that isn’t going away in our world. So we have to talk about what is appropriate touch and what isn’t. But the fact is that doing this isn’t that difficult. The dividing line between appropriate and inappropriate touch is actually pretty easy to describe. Appropriate touch is non-sexual and non-violent. People who have no sense of the distinction for the line on these two things are called perpetrators and abusers.
Speaking your Physical Touch child’s love language is all about being mature enough to know where this line is, and letting it inform and educate your approach to your kid’s need, without letting it keep you from really engaging with them, physically.
Sometimes dads struggle to know how to engage their Physical Touch daughters, as their little girls become young women. Out of fear, some dads quit hugging and touching, altogether. They don’t want to offend their daughter or be misunderstood to be touching them inappropriately. This is a legitimate concern. But it doesn’t need to keep a dad from speaking his Physical Touch daughter’s love language. Affectionate hugs, gently stroking her cheek, or patting her on the back, or holding her hand are all ways you can speak the Physical Touch love language.
With boys, don’t be afraid to rough house with them, even when they get into their teens. Be careful, though. They might be able to take you out! Which they’ll rub in when they do. Just be emotionally prepared for the fact that you’ll have a little “Alpha Dog” competition.
Teen-aged boys also need other more affectionate touches from both their mom and their dad. Dad, don’t relegate the affection stuff to Mom. Pat your boy on the back, tussle his hair, even hug him. Look for the right time, but don’t quit being physically affectionate with your boy.
Some Suggestions
OK, that just scrapes the surface of the whole Love Language thing. It’s enough to get you thinking, but it’s not nearly enough to help you become really effective in speaking your kid’s (or your spouse’s) Love Language.
I have two recommendations for going further with this. First, go to this web site and access the many FREE resources available there (especially the Assessments): http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. I think it’s the finest resource you’ll come across for The Five Love Languages.
The second suggestion is that you purchase one of the Five Love Language books (we have them in our Canyon Echo Bookstore). Choose the one that seems to best fit with your family’s season. Read it for yourself, and let God use it to help you develop your skills as a loving parent.
One more suggestion… Keep checking back on this great blog. You can find all kinds of great helps and suggestions and resources here. Hey, we’re in your corner! We believe you can have a great family and raise fabulous kids. We’re your partner. And God believes this about you, too! Together we can form a great partnership.
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