Most everybody likes getting gifts. But people whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts get more from getting a gift than the gift. Don’t misunderstand this for simple selfishness or plane old materialism. For the one who has Receiving Gifts as their primary love language, what’s behind the gift is perhaps more important than what the actual gift is. They hear love when they receive a gift, because they’re hearing the thoughtfulness, care and effort that went into picking out the gift. In other words, they hear the meaning of the gift. The good news for the one giving the gift in this scenario is that the size and cost of the gift are secondary. The intangibles are much more important.
When your kid (or spouse) with the Receiving Gifts love language gets a well thought-out and carefully selected gift from you, they get a powerful message of love. They feel cared for and treasured. They notice the sacrifice required to find and get, and then give the gift. For them, this is part of the gift.
There’s an old story about a class of young children in a school in Africa who brought their teacher Christmas gifts. Each one put their gift on the teacher’s desk and heard her make affirming comments about the gifts, expressing her gratitude. (Hey, what do you think that would have done for a kid with Words of Affirmation as their love language?...) There was a wide assortment of trinkets and homemade items brought by the children. Finally, one boy in the class brought a beautiful sea shell and put it on the teacher’s desk.
“What a beautiful gift,” the teacher said. “We are a two-day journey inland from the sea. How ever did you get this wonderful shell for me?”
“I walked to the sea to get it,” the boy responded.
“Oh, my!” the teacher exclaimed. “You made that long journey?”
“The journey,” the boy said with a shy smile, “is part of the gift.”
That’s how it is with people who have Receiving Gifts as their primary love language. The journey is part of the gift for them. Like the boy in this story, they connect the journey and the gift. And it makes the message behind the gift even more powerful for them.
Often, people with this as their primary love language apply the same kind of time and effort into giving gifts as they are delighted by when they receive a gift. One of our daughters has Receiving Gifts as her primary love language. She agonizes over what is the just-right gift to give. She begins planning her Christmas gift-giving in July because she wants to communicate her love in the best possible way with the gifts she gives. I don’t ever expect to hear her say, “I’ll run in and pick a quick little gift…” For her, a “quick little gift” isn’t a gift at all, unless it’s been thought through and planned in advance so that the trip can be quick, but the gift still meaningful. You can see why, can’t you? If the gift is an expression of love, the more thoughtful it is, the clearer the “I love you” in it is.
Missing a Receiving Gifts person’s birthday, or anniversary, or throwing a hasty gift in their direction would all be disastrous. Everyday gestures are powerful, too. Their absence will create the same kind of emotional difficulty as a Words of Affirmation person not hearing affirming words, or a Quality Time person not having quality time with you. It will drain their emotional tank and leave them feeling unloved.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Love Languages: Quality Time
Quality Time people need your undivided attention. They need your undistracted presence. They’re less interested in what the activity might be when they’re with you, and way more interested in the fact that they had you for the time it took to do the activity. If you’re a Quality Time person, you’ll get this instantly. But if you’re not, it probably won’t make any sense to you.
Back in the 80’s there was an idea making the rounds that a few minutes of quality time with your kids were better than hours of not-quality time. In some ways, this is true. Twenty really golden minutes are, well, golden. But what isn’t true is that you can spend 20 quality minutes with your kid in 20 minutes. You can’t.
Quality is always a function of quantity. If you want 20 minutes of Quality Time with your kid(s), you may need an hour to get it. The other 40 minutes plow the ground for the 20 quality minutes you have with your kid. There’s no mathematical formula for it, but the principle is that you’ll always need more time than you think you need to get whatever amount of Quality Time you want to get or give. Count on it.
If your kid (or spouse) is a Quality Time person, distractions, postponements and failure to show up are huge dings and disappointments for them. They will feel hurt and disrespected if you commit (or they think you’ve committed) to do something or show up and give them time, and then you don’t make it. Even if you think you have a good reason (which you might have), they will still be hurt.
A phrase Quality Time people love to hear is, “Hey, I want to spend some time with you. When can we do that, and what would you like to do?”
Adolescents probably won’t fire off any fireworks when you say this to them. They may hardly even grunt. But if Quality Time is their love language, your request for time with them will open their heart. Give them time to think about it, and then come back with the same question. And then FOLLOW THROUGH. You can turn a huge deposit in their emotional bank – asking to spend quality time with them – into a huge withdrawal by failing to show up and follow through. DON’T COMMIT TO WHAT YOU WON’T SACRIFICE FOR. Follow through!
Back in the 80’s there was an idea making the rounds that a few minutes of quality time with your kids were better than hours of not-quality time. In some ways, this is true. Twenty really golden minutes are, well, golden. But what isn’t true is that you can spend 20 quality minutes with your kid in 20 minutes. You can’t.
Quality is always a function of quantity. If you want 20 minutes of Quality Time with your kid(s), you may need an hour to get it. The other 40 minutes plow the ground for the 20 quality minutes you have with your kid. There’s no mathematical formula for it, but the principle is that you’ll always need more time than you think you need to get whatever amount of Quality Time you want to get or give. Count on it.
If your kid (or spouse) is a Quality Time person, distractions, postponements and failure to show up are huge dings and disappointments for them. They will feel hurt and disrespected if you commit (or they think you’ve committed) to do something or show up and give them time, and then you don’t make it. Even if you think you have a good reason (which you might have), they will still be hurt.
A phrase Quality Time people love to hear is, “Hey, I want to spend some time with you. When can we do that, and what would you like to do?”
Adolescents probably won’t fire off any fireworks when you say this to them. They may hardly even grunt. But if Quality Time is their love language, your request for time with them will open their heart. Give them time to think about it, and then come back with the same question. And then FOLLOW THROUGH. You can turn a huge deposit in their emotional bank – asking to spend quality time with them – into a huge withdrawal by failing to show up and follow through. DON’T COMMIT TO WHAT YOU WON’T SACRIFICE FOR. Follow through!
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