Love Languages: Acts of Service

This is the Love Language that I am least likely to hear or speak. I’m just not wired for it. But for anyone who is, they will instantly know how powerfully they hear “I love you,” when someone does an act of service for them. For these Acts of Service people, coming home to find their room has been vacuumed, or their clothes have been folded and put away is a huge love gift. Hearing the words, “Here, let me do that for you,” can pump emotional oxygen into their world. Running the vacuum, or washing their car, or cleaning the cat litter box for them probably seems like a meaningless activity to anyone who doesn’t speak Acts of Service as their primary love language. But to the Acts of Service person, they hear love and affection when you do these things for them.

This sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, who can’t run the vacuum? Cleaning the cat litter or picking the dog do up in the back yard doesn’t cost a cent. The recipient of this activity doesn’t even have to be present when you do it, so there’s no confining time-frame to work within. You can make the bed or fold the clothes on your schedule, not theirs.

All this is true, and it’s an appealing part of responding in the Acts of Service language. But here’s something that you need to file away. Not every act of service is equal. There are times when a very small act of service will communicate a very big message of love. And then there are times when that same act of service will almost go unnoticed. Here’s the key: As with all the other love languages, Acts of Service are best spoken on the recipient’s terms, not the giver’s. In other words, just because you think you’d like it if somebody did a particular act of service for you, that doesn’t mean that your Acts of Service kid (or spouse) will. The key question is, “what would they like?” Not, “what do I want to do for them,” or “what would I like if someone did it for me?”

If you’re having trouble thinking of meaningful Acts of Service, sit down with a piece of paper, or at your computer, and start making a list of things you’ve ever heard your kid or spouse express thanks for when you’ve done them. Any special meals? Any way you’ve been able to do something for them that they somehow told you was good for them? Anything you did for them so they didn’t have to worry about it or bother with it that they said made a difference for them? Create your list and add to it. If your list is small, don’t worry about that. Add things that you think might work, and then be experimental with them. See if your idea rings their chime. If it doesn’t, take it off the list. If it does, keep it on the list, and work the list all the time.

A word of caution is in order here. If you’re an Acts of Service person, you’ll find gratification in doing acts of service for your kids (and spouse). And we all keep doing things we get gratification from. But sometimes the good things we do for other people are just a breath away from being what psychologists call “negative enabling.” If my act of service makes you more dependant on me, it might be “negative enabling.” If I’m doing your work for you, instead of letting you do the things you should do for yourself so you’ll grow and develop your personal responsibility muscles, I’m getting into “negative enabling” land. Offering an Act of Service as an expression of love isn’t wrong. But when a pattern of me doing your work for you develops, there’s a problem. The rule on this that makes the best sense and works the best is never do for them what they need to do for themselves. Because if you do, you will steal from them the chance to grow into their God-given stewardship and responsibility for their life.

Adolescents usually will let you do for them anything you want to do, as long as it means they get out of working. Really. Some kids are that way… So when a kid starts acting entitled to an Act of Service, that’s when you might need to think about pulling the plug on the activity. For a while, at least. Identify what their secondary love language is, and go to work with it. But if the gratitude level dips dramatically, that’s a sign that the love message isn’t getting through. Sometimes it’s just a selfish part of the kid’s development.

Knowing when and how much to do for your kid or spouse whose love language is Acts of Service takes sensitivity and finesse. The good news is that God wants to make you wise (see James 1:5), and this includes wisdom to know how to speak your kid’s and/or spouse’s love language, and when to change your approach.