Celebrate Marriage

Alright, by now many of you have probably heard about our series “Satan’s Sex Ed.” If you haven’t, you eventually will. Some have asked why we are talking about this. Well, the main reason is because students are. We live in a city in which students are bombarded with sexual material that is shaping their thinking about sex. Studies tells us that “by the time a typical child reaches ten or eleven years of age, he or she has seen on television and in movies or at least heard about not only sexual intercourse but also oral sex, multiple partners, masturbation, anal sex, and any other form of sexual expression and experimentation a human can invent.” (Clark, pg. 130) This may come as a shock, but I can tell you that doesn’t surprise me. You wouldn’t believe the conversations I have already had with my son due to some of the things he has seen and heard. It seems that the sexual material our students encounter has left them thinking sex is just simply a physical act that is void of intimacy, love, and commitment that God reveals to us in the scriptures.

What can we do as parents? Well, as Christians we must model what a healthy Christian marriage should look like. Over the years I have noticed that many teens and young adults do not think too highly of marriage as they have seen, or heard about, how over half of all first-time marriages fail. Yet, what has surprised me is how closely teens and young adults will watch my marriage to see if it is any different from the other marriages they have experienced. As married Christians we must celebrate and model marriage as God intended it to be. One the greatest gifts you can give your children is not a car, a computer or even a college education. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to model what a God honoring marriage looks like. Sex is a gift from God given to us to be enjoyed within marriage. It is a gift given to you to express the deep feelings of love, trust, romance and desire for your spouse. So let’s fight to show this to our children. Do your teens know that you love each other? Do they see how you show affection to your spouse? Do they see how you forgive and discuss your differences in a loving way? How are you working on building your marriage? Is your marriage one that your children long to have one day? These are questions that cross my mind when I think about and pray for my children’s future marriages.

Websites to check out….

Marital Support: http://www.canyonridge.org/default.aspx?page=8561

Marriage 101: http://www.canyonridge.org/default.aspx?page=8442

*Clark, Chap. Hurt: inside the world of today's teenagers. 2004. Baker: Grand Rapids.

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 5

Think back to your teenage years and do an honest assessment of your intellectual ability during that time. Many of us can think back to poor decisions we made and how we are so thankful that things didn’t get worse. If you were like me, during that time you thought you knew everything. Parents and teachers didn’t quite have the same intellectual superiority to us that they did when we were young kids. In Chapter 5 of The Space Between, Mueller does a great job quickly explaining some of the intellectual changes teenagers make.

In week three of this blog series I made this statement in regards to teenagers, “the mind hasn’t caught up with the body.” While reading this chapter you’ll understand why. Mueller shares some pretty interesting insights to the teenage brain development. On page 63 he quotes an expert in brain development, Laurence Steinberg of Temple University, as saying, “The parts of the brain responsible for things like sensation seeking are getting turned on in big ways around the time of puberty, but the parts for exercising judgment are still maturing throughout the course of adolescence.” On this same page Mueller shares how “the brain’s prefrontal cortex is the last part to develop. This is the area that controls impulses, planning, organizing, prioritizing, judging future consequences, making complex assessments, self-control, and emotional regulation.” With that Dr. Mueller devoted a section of this chapter to sexuality and the reason it is so important for parents to model and teach what God’s word has to say about this topic.

Mueller made some interesting statements in regards to teenage sexuality while referencing the book Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Drs. Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr. and Freda McKissic Bush. He quotes this book as saying that sex before marriage can damage “the important, built-in ability to develop significant and meaningful connection to other human beings. Another negative consequence is that as young people experience these sexual relationships” it’s “molding them to not only damage their attachment ability but to become desensitized to the risk of short-term sexual relationships, eventually believing that this behavior is harmless and acceptable, and does not involve the psychological and mental health part of themselves.” What is interesting is how the research showed that by honoring the God-given principles for sex in scripture, teens and adults experience sex the way it was always intended to be.

Mueller gives several great suggestions for parents. One that stuck out was to challenge teens on their views and beliefs that you may not agree with. He talked about how he didn’t hesitate to share his concerns in regards to his children’s media choices, but he encouraged them to “make a case for why I might be wrong.” (Mueller pg. 68) By doing this he believes that parents can help their teens develop some critical thinking skills that will help their development.

One other area he talked about was correction. He said there will be times in which “you’ll become your teenager’s prefrontal cortex.” (Mueller pg. 68) When I read that I laughed. What a picture! Anyway, just like in the very first blog on the book “Pastor Dad” I would encourage you to spend hours with your teen enjoying that relationship. Remember your teen is a gift from God. We are not saying to be soft, but rather that correction happens best in the context of a loving relationship. Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those he loves. There will be times in which we must protect our kids, but make sure to model right and wrong and to explain the consequences.

As always, we’re praying for you.

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 4

One of the things you have probably noticed is that I tend to only talk about a few of the principles from each chapter. I do this in order to give you some immediate application steps that you can implement at home. This book is extremely insightful and this next chapter that I read proves just that. Please don’t limit your reading to only this blog. Buy the book. It’s great and really isn’t that long. It around 120 pages and it is well worth it. You can find this book in the bookstore at church.

If you searched for answers to the week one questions you have probably discovered that adolescents today is different from your time. Peer pressure is not exactly the same is it? Peer pressure for many individuals consisted of two or more people engaging in a behavior they all knew was wrong. However, “in today’s you-decide-for-yourself-what’s-right-and-wrong world, peer pressure typically takes the form of an unspoken expectation to participate in behavior that the overwhelming majority of your teen’s peers---and our culture---believes is normal, right and expected.” (Mueller pg. 52) Not only have you noticed that peer pressure is different but so is the way that teens communicate. Much of face to face contact seems to be less and less as things like texting, facebook, and twitter continues to grow.

This time can be difficult for parents as their child’s relationships with peers seem to take precedent over family. However, Mueller encourages parents not to “misinterpret this as rejection.” (Mueller pg. 50) One of the goals of parenting is to raise our children in a way that one day they will become independent, living their lives for the glory of God. It is during this time that parents start to see their children taking bigger steps of independence with jobs, cars, college choices, and friendships. This is normal, and a great opportunity for parents to engage their teen’s lives. One thing that Mueller says is that studies do show “that teenagers are increasingly expressing a desire to spend more time with their families.” (Mueller pg. 51) There are many speculations on why this may be, but in my experience with talking to teens this seems to be the case. So make sure you’re around for times of spontaneous deep discussion with our teen (if you haven’t gone out to eat with your teen yet this could be a good time).

With that Mueller again gives some great suggestions for parents. As teens begin to build relationships with other peers it is important that we model what a real friendship looks like. I once heard someone say that more is caught rather than taught. That could be true, and as parents we need to make sure that we are living out Matt. 22:39 to “love our neighbor.” Think of the way you talk and act around friends, family and co-workers. If you are like me you haven’t always lived out Matt. 22:39. This is a great time to confess your faults to God, and also confess to your teen. Share with them how this isn’t the way Jesus desires for us to treat others, how you’re so appreciative of his grace, and how that grace is still working in your life. This will show them not only that you are still growing in your faith, but also how they are to respond when they sin.

One other thing we need to do is over communicate our love for teens. You probably remember how hurtful teens can be toward each other during conflict. Things are said that tend to leave a lasting impression. Studies show that a close relationship between parents and teenagers increases self-esteem and the ability to stand up to negative influences. So take time today to say and show your teen how much you love them. “Resiliency is built into our kids through building relationships with our kids.” (Mueller pg. 54)

A Couple of Questions to Consider:

1. What are some current peer pressure expectations of teenagers today?

2. How can I say and show my teen love in a way that they will receive it? (Book: 5 Love Languages of Teenagers)

http://www.canyonechobookstore.com/home.asp

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 3

Think back to when you were a teenager. How did you feel? What changes were you experiencing? What were your biggest fears? What would you have done differently? I can recall many conversations with college students and young adults that contain this line, “If only I knew what I know now back in high school I would have ________ (fill in the blank).” The sad thing to me is when that line is said with a feeling of regret. As parents we have an opportunity to help change that line for our kids as we share with them the truth of the scriptures through both our words and actions.

In Chapter 3 Mueller does a great job talking about the physical changes teenagers experience. One thing he points out is how these physical changes are starting earlier in life. Back in the 19th century puberty began around 17, but today it is “happening at the average age of 12.” (Mueller pg. 38) There is speculation to why this is happening but one thing is true, the mind hasn’t caught up with the body.

Teens live in a culture in which the media floods them “with thousands of images daily, each one contributing to a set of appearance standards that become the benchmark for being normal, acceptable, likeable, and lovable.” (Mueller pg. 40) Our teens’ world is filled with an immense amount of pressure to live up to that unrealistic cultural norm. This can lead to standing in front of the mirror questioning their physical appearance, an increase in excessive exercise, potentially unhealthy eating patterns, parental conflicts over dress, and more. It’s true that this can become a frustrating and stressful time for parents. However, it is important for us to realize that much of this behavior can be rooted in a belief that not living up to this cultural norm can leave a teen feeling unloved and unaccepted (this is especially true for middle school students in which being accepted is extremely important). Therefore, instead of addressing only the behavior, we need to also lovingly address the belief with the truth of God’s word.

Mueller gives several insightful suggestions for parents, but one over arching point is that parents have a tremendous opportunity to speak truth into their teen’s life during this strenuous time. One thing that I know to be true is that teens can and will at times push back from your conversation. This can especially be true when having “the talk”. I have seen this happen not only to parents, but also from youth leaders that have tried to have a conversation with teens. No matter how much they push back, we need to lovingly fight through it. Teens are looking for answers to their questions, and if parents don’t engage into this discussion they will seek answers from peers and media. “The Talk” shouldn’t be a one time conversation, but a series of conversations. Take time to find out what they believe about sex, friendship, their identity, and more.

Parents, let me encourage you to invest time and money into these conversations. Set up a consistent time for you to take your teen out for a meal and commit to turning off both of your cell phones. Talk with them about their lives, and show them that during that meal they have your full attention. It is our joy to assist you as you lead your kids. Please don’t hesitate to contact us if there is anything we can do to help you. Know that we are diligently praying for you all.

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 2

There are certain things in my life that I dread. In many ways I’m still like a kid. I dread taking out the trash on a windy day, getting up early after going to bed really late, and eating my vegetables. Yes, I still have to be promised dessert to pound a pile of broccoli. Thankfully my kids so far aren’t showing signs of that last one. However, being a fairly new parent I have received a lot of advice over the years from other parents. One of the things that I can’t help but to notice is the sense of dread that comes into many of their voices the moment they begin to talk about the teenage years.

Take a few seconds to think about that word…teenager. What immediately comes into your mind? How do you feel?

What I love about Dr. Mueller is his realistic, yet also optimistic, view of the teenage years. On page 12 he quotes Sigmund Freud as suggesting that “adolescence is a temporary mental illness.” When I first read this I laughed out loud. What an outlook! I know over the years of working with youth that it can be easy to have this perception of teenagers. However, I believe we would both argue that should not be the case.

Mueller believes that the teenage years of a child’s life is a great opportunity for parents and teenagers to grow in their faith. On page 10 he talks about a father’s perception of the adolescent years when he writes, “He was viewing adolescence as something to survive, rather than seeing it as a God-given opportunity to depend on God for guidance and wisdom that would not only help him point his kids to the cross and spiritual maturity, but take him there as well.” Can you relate with that father’s perception? I know of parents that can. Take heart, that’s normal. Mueller agrees that raising teens can at times be extremely frustrating. However, he encourages us to not allow our “fears, confusion, frustrations, or lack of understanding to cause us to turn blind eyes and deaf ears to them.” (Mueller, pg. 16)

With that I want to take a minute to share with you just a couple of the seven truths that Mueller encourages parents to embrace when raising teenagers.

1. Teenagers are a Gift from God

Do you believe this? I imagine at times we all do, but then there are times that it may not feel like it. When this happens we need to allow the truth of the scriptures to interpret our emotions, while not letting our emotions interpret the scriptures. It is absolutely true that children are a tremendous gift from God (Ps. 127:3-5), even in their teenage years. I know before we became parents we did a lot of research and studying on how to parent. However, no matter how much we tried to learn there are certain things that we just couldn’t prepare for. If you asked us we would definitely admit that there have been surprises and things that came up that we didn’t expect. Now that we have two children things have gotten even more interesting. Many parents that I have talked to feel like they’re all alone, but you’re not. All of us have experienced joys and struggles in parenting. However, when we understand this truth that children are really a gift from God it can help us to have the right perception of our kids during the times of great delight and great struggle. My encouragement would be to grab a piece of paper and write out all the ways you see how each of your kids are a gift from God. Be specific and it may not be a bad idea to share this with your teen. It may help them to see how much they mean to you, but more importantly how much they mean to God.

2. Helpless Is a Good Place to Be

At first I imagine you’re taken back by that line. You may be asking yourself how being helpless can be a good place? Many seem to believe that following Jesus promises a pain and problem free life. Yet, scripture doesn’t say that. In the first chapter of James we read to consider trials in life with an attitude of joy. Why? Because it in through trials we experience growth and maturity in our relationship with Jesus. The teenage years can be a trying time for teens and parents. Yet, these trying times are not going to be wasted by God. He will use these times will help us to know the joy of growing deeper in our dependence on him. Mueller admits he experienced sleepless nights after one of his kids made a series of bad choices. It was during that time he began to understand the truth found in Psalm 13. He shares that “in the midst of my helplessness, God was seeking to be my help.” (Mueller pg. 26) He talks about how he would never ask for those experiences to be taken away as “suffering and helplessness are redemptive as God does his work in us. In fact, God is in the business of parenting us while we’re in the midst of parenting the children he’s given to us.” (Mueller pg. 27) Being a parent is just as much about our growth in Christ as it is pointing our kids to the cross. Maybe this is one way in which you can see your kids a gift from God.

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 1

I am really excited to introduce you to this great book by Dr. Walt Mueller called The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development. The title says it all. For over 30 years Dr. Mueller has studied not only adolescents, but also the culture in which they live in. He knows his stuff, and he has lived it out. Mueller has four children and has graduated three of them out of adolescents. This book is short, full of practical information for parents, and it is biblical. Dr. Mueller loves God and knows that what teens need the most in their lives is a relationship with Jesus Christ.

The chapters of this book are full useful information for you as a parent. Allow me a few minutes to explain one of the many highlights we will talk about throughout this blog.

1. Discovering adolescents all over again!

Mueller quotes Earl Wilson as defining an adolescent as “an adult trying to happen.” I can’t help but to agree with him. This in between stage from childhood to adulthood is filled with great opportunities and challenges. However, you may find it interesting that not long ago there wasn’t such thing as a teenage culture. You were either a child or an adult. It wasn’t until 1941 that the term teenager was used as a result of a “social and economic invention.” (Mueller, pg. 17) Since that time rapid growth has taken place which as resulted in great opportunity and confusion. The current adolescent culture is complex, and teens are growing up faster with each passing year due to what they experience. “While most kids experience puberty between ages 11 and 14, it can occur anywhere from the ages of 10 to 17. In recent years research has found that both boys and girls are entering puberty at younger ages.” (Mueller pg. 37) Yet, there is no need to fear. This is just a great opportunity for us to learn and grow in order to discover adolescents all over again. Below you will see some great questions that Mueller believes every parent should be asking themselves in order to learn more about their teen.

1. What is their world like?

2. What makes them tick?

3. What changes are they experiencing?

4. Why do they think and act the way they do?

5. How can I begin to facilitate a smoother adolescent period for my teenager-supporting, loving, and leading my teenager in a way that brings honor to God?

6. How can I begin to break through the walls of confusion, fear, frustration, and misunderstanding?

7. How can I be a positive and proactive bridge-builder into the life and world of my teenager?

These are some great questions in order to study your teen. Learn about them, and really listen. Think of creative ways you can discover the answers to these questions. Your teenager is a gift from God entrusted to your care. As parents we are called to model and speak truth into our kid’s lives, while trusting in the Holy Spirit to do that work that only he can do. Take some time this week to learn, and know that we are diligently praying for you all.

Do Hard Things: Part Two—Five Types of Hard

Part one looked at the problem of low expectations for our teens, and if you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend going back to that post first. It won’t do you much good to understand the hard things teens are up against unless you first believe teens both can and need to do them.

1. Outside Your Comfort Zone

 Think of a fear you once faced as a child that seems silly now. Brett shares the horrifying memory of his first shower, getting water in his eyes and maybe even his ears. For you it may be your first day of school or a new job. Encourage your kid the fear they’re facing will one day be as ancient as tying their shoes or riding the bus. Expanding your comfort zone is an important part of growing up.

God works through your weakness. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is refusing to allow fear to control your actions. Also, we all love to win—it’s bred into us from the beginning. However, you can’t reach success without risking failure. And usually you start off awful. But anything worth doing is worth doing poorly—at first. Our high expectations aren’t to succeed the first time, but to get there as we can. This turns failure on its head, making it work for us rather than against us. It makes failure a way to grow stronger, not a reason to give up.

2. Beyond What’s Expected

 The current level of expectation for teens is in not doing a lot of things: drugs, alcohol, parties. It’s too easy to let that become our standard of a good teen (and sadly, sometimes, of our faith). It’s not easy to shoot for the metaphorical A when we know the world will smile and pat us on the back with a C-. That’s why the Bible sets such high standards—so we would never mistake God as approving of our complacency. Don’t be afraid to hold your kid to what you find in scripture, even if they’re already better than the kids around them. God’s idea of holiness isn’t being bigger than the fish next to you in your small pond.

Also, “Do what’s hard for you” is solid advice if your child happens to excel at a few things. A lot of students hide behind a big strength or two so they can ignore other weaknesses. But being a basketball pro won’t help you in life if it teaches you that you can skate by without trying in school or helping out around the house. God wants well-rounded disciples, and excellence is an all-too-common excuse to hide other weaknesses.

3. The Big and 4. The Small

 If your kid has a big challenge in front of them, it’s obviously going to intimidate him or her, and Harris’s advice is to find like-minded individuals who share the vision and work together. But sometimes it’s the small hard things that we don’t understand why they seem so difficult. The insight offered is:

• They don’t usually go away after you do them. “The bed doesn’t stay made, teeth don’t stay brushed, and there’s always another test and another temptation.”

• They don’t seem very important. “How does spending time with my little brother compare to raising money for orphans in Africa?”

• They don’t seem to make any difference. “Whose life is changed that I made my bed this morning or drove the speed limit?”

• No one is watching. “Everyone’s impressed because she’s running a charity for cancer patients, but no one knows or cares that I’m taking care of Grandma and studying for the SATs.”

But pointless as it may seem, they make all the difference. Sure, one push-up doesn’t change you, but given enough time with a simple routine can do a lot of shaping. We think parents should expect big hard things from their kids, but that doesn’t mean we sacrifice expecting the small hard things along the way.

5. Against The Crowd.

 This can be one of the worst obstacles between your kid and hard things. No one wants to sacrifice their security in what feels like a wild jungle at school. But teens have to realize the world can’t understand what they believe unless they live it out. And in the end, they’ll always be glad they did. Years after the social nightmare, imagine asking your kid which was easier, avoiding certain parties for a few years or dealing with the consequences of alcohol, drug addiction, broken relationships, unwanted pregnancies, and sexually transmitted diseases. The key to this hard thing is remembering what seems hard now will probably be easier in the long run.

That’s all for Do Hard Things on the PEB, but you can get lots more by checking out some of the incredible stories in the book itself, or see what the revolution is up to these days by checking out http://rebelutionaries.blogspot.com/.