The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 4

One of the things you have probably noticed is that I tend to only talk about a few of the principles from each chapter. I do this in order to give you some immediate application steps that you can implement at home. This book is extremely insightful and this next chapter that I read proves just that. Please don’t limit your reading to only this blog. Buy the book. It’s great and really isn’t that long. It around 120 pages and it is well worth it. You can find this book in the bookstore at church.

If you searched for answers to the week one questions you have probably discovered that adolescents today is different from your time. Peer pressure is not exactly the same is it? Peer pressure for many individuals consisted of two or more people engaging in a behavior they all knew was wrong. However, “in today’s you-decide-for-yourself-what’s-right-and-wrong world, peer pressure typically takes the form of an unspoken expectation to participate in behavior that the overwhelming majority of your teen’s peers---and our culture---believes is normal, right and expected.” (Mueller pg. 52) Not only have you noticed that peer pressure is different but so is the way that teens communicate. Much of face to face contact seems to be less and less as things like texting, facebook, and twitter continues to grow.

This time can be difficult for parents as their child’s relationships with peers seem to take precedent over family. However, Mueller encourages parents not to “misinterpret this as rejection.” (Mueller pg. 50) One of the goals of parenting is to raise our children in a way that one day they will become independent, living their lives for the glory of God. It is during this time that parents start to see their children taking bigger steps of independence with jobs, cars, college choices, and friendships. This is normal, and a great opportunity for parents to engage their teen’s lives. One thing that Mueller says is that studies do show “that teenagers are increasingly expressing a desire to spend more time with their families.” (Mueller pg. 51) There are many speculations on why this may be, but in my experience with talking to teens this seems to be the case. So make sure you’re around for times of spontaneous deep discussion with our teen (if you haven’t gone out to eat with your teen yet this could be a good time).

With that Mueller again gives some great suggestions for parents. As teens begin to build relationships with other peers it is important that we model what a real friendship looks like. I once heard someone say that more is caught rather than taught. That could be true, and as parents we need to make sure that we are living out Matt. 22:39 to “love our neighbor.” Think of the way you talk and act around friends, family and co-workers. If you are like me you haven’t always lived out Matt. 22:39. This is a great time to confess your faults to God, and also confess to your teen. Share with them how this isn’t the way Jesus desires for us to treat others, how you’re so appreciative of his grace, and how that grace is still working in your life. This will show them not only that you are still growing in your faith, but also how they are to respond when they sin.

One other thing we need to do is over communicate our love for teens. You probably remember how hurtful teens can be toward each other during conflict. Things are said that tend to leave a lasting impression. Studies show that a close relationship between parents and teenagers increases self-esteem and the ability to stand up to negative influences. So take time today to say and show your teen how much you love them. “Resiliency is built into our kids through building relationships with our kids.” (Mueller pg. 54)

A Couple of Questions to Consider:

1. What are some current peer pressure expectations of teenagers today?

2. How can I say and show my teen love in a way that they will receive it? (Book: 5 Love Languages of Teenagers)

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The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 3

Think back to when you were a teenager. How did you feel? What changes were you experiencing? What were your biggest fears? What would you have done differently? I can recall many conversations with college students and young adults that contain this line, “If only I knew what I know now back in high school I would have ________ (fill in the blank).” The sad thing to me is when that line is said with a feeling of regret. As parents we have an opportunity to help change that line for our kids as we share with them the truth of the scriptures through both our words and actions.

In Chapter 3 Mueller does a great job talking about the physical changes teenagers experience. One thing he points out is how these physical changes are starting earlier in life. Back in the 19th century puberty began around 17, but today it is “happening at the average age of 12.” (Mueller pg. 38) There is speculation to why this is happening but one thing is true, the mind hasn’t caught up with the body.

Teens live in a culture in which the media floods them “with thousands of images daily, each one contributing to a set of appearance standards that become the benchmark for being normal, acceptable, likeable, and lovable.” (Mueller pg. 40) Our teens’ world is filled with an immense amount of pressure to live up to that unrealistic cultural norm. This can lead to standing in front of the mirror questioning their physical appearance, an increase in excessive exercise, potentially unhealthy eating patterns, parental conflicts over dress, and more. It’s true that this can become a frustrating and stressful time for parents. However, it is important for us to realize that much of this behavior can be rooted in a belief that not living up to this cultural norm can leave a teen feeling unloved and unaccepted (this is especially true for middle school students in which being accepted is extremely important). Therefore, instead of addressing only the behavior, we need to also lovingly address the belief with the truth of God’s word.

Mueller gives several insightful suggestions for parents, but one over arching point is that parents have a tremendous opportunity to speak truth into their teen’s life during this strenuous time. One thing that I know to be true is that teens can and will at times push back from your conversation. This can especially be true when having “the talk”. I have seen this happen not only to parents, but also from youth leaders that have tried to have a conversation with teens. No matter how much they push back, we need to lovingly fight through it. Teens are looking for answers to their questions, and if parents don’t engage into this discussion they will seek answers from peers and media. “The Talk” shouldn’t be a one time conversation, but a series of conversations. Take time to find out what they believe about sex, friendship, their identity, and more.

Parents, let me encourage you to invest time and money into these conversations. Set up a consistent time for you to take your teen out for a meal and commit to turning off both of your cell phones. Talk with them about their lives, and show them that during that meal they have your full attention. It is our joy to assist you as you lead your kids. Please don’t hesitate to contact us if there is anything we can do to help you. Know that we are diligently praying for you all.

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 2

There are certain things in my life that I dread. In many ways I’m still like a kid. I dread taking out the trash on a windy day, getting up early after going to bed really late, and eating my vegetables. Yes, I still have to be promised dessert to pound a pile of broccoli. Thankfully my kids so far aren’t showing signs of that last one. However, being a fairly new parent I have received a lot of advice over the years from other parents. One of the things that I can’t help but to notice is the sense of dread that comes into many of their voices the moment they begin to talk about the teenage years.

Take a few seconds to think about that word…teenager. What immediately comes into your mind? How do you feel?

What I love about Dr. Mueller is his realistic, yet also optimistic, view of the teenage years. On page 12 he quotes Sigmund Freud as suggesting that “adolescence is a temporary mental illness.” When I first read this I laughed out loud. What an outlook! I know over the years of working with youth that it can be easy to have this perception of teenagers. However, I believe we would both argue that should not be the case.

Mueller believes that the teenage years of a child’s life is a great opportunity for parents and teenagers to grow in their faith. On page 10 he talks about a father’s perception of the adolescent years when he writes, “He was viewing adolescence as something to survive, rather than seeing it as a God-given opportunity to depend on God for guidance and wisdom that would not only help him point his kids to the cross and spiritual maturity, but take him there as well.” Can you relate with that father’s perception? I know of parents that can. Take heart, that’s normal. Mueller agrees that raising teens can at times be extremely frustrating. However, he encourages us to not allow our “fears, confusion, frustrations, or lack of understanding to cause us to turn blind eyes and deaf ears to them.” (Mueller, pg. 16)

With that I want to take a minute to share with you just a couple of the seven truths that Mueller encourages parents to embrace when raising teenagers.

1. Teenagers are a Gift from God

Do you believe this? I imagine at times we all do, but then there are times that it may not feel like it. When this happens we need to allow the truth of the scriptures to interpret our emotions, while not letting our emotions interpret the scriptures. It is absolutely true that children are a tremendous gift from God (Ps. 127:3-5), even in their teenage years. I know before we became parents we did a lot of research and studying on how to parent. However, no matter how much we tried to learn there are certain things that we just couldn’t prepare for. If you asked us we would definitely admit that there have been surprises and things that came up that we didn’t expect. Now that we have two children things have gotten even more interesting. Many parents that I have talked to feel like they’re all alone, but you’re not. All of us have experienced joys and struggles in parenting. However, when we understand this truth that children are really a gift from God it can help us to have the right perception of our kids during the times of great delight and great struggle. My encouragement would be to grab a piece of paper and write out all the ways you see how each of your kids are a gift from God. Be specific and it may not be a bad idea to share this with your teen. It may help them to see how much they mean to you, but more importantly how much they mean to God.

2. Helpless Is a Good Place to Be

At first I imagine you’re taken back by that line. You may be asking yourself how being helpless can be a good place? Many seem to believe that following Jesus promises a pain and problem free life. Yet, scripture doesn’t say that. In the first chapter of James we read to consider trials in life with an attitude of joy. Why? Because it in through trials we experience growth and maturity in our relationship with Jesus. The teenage years can be a trying time for teens and parents. Yet, these trying times are not going to be wasted by God. He will use these times will help us to know the joy of growing deeper in our dependence on him. Mueller admits he experienced sleepless nights after one of his kids made a series of bad choices. It was during that time he began to understand the truth found in Psalm 13. He shares that “in the midst of my helplessness, God was seeking to be my help.” (Mueller pg. 26) He talks about how he would never ask for those experiences to be taken away as “suffering and helplessness are redemptive as God does his work in us. In fact, God is in the business of parenting us while we’re in the midst of parenting the children he’s given to us.” (Mueller pg. 27) Being a parent is just as much about our growth in Christ as it is pointing our kids to the cross. Maybe this is one way in which you can see your kids a gift from God.

The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development - Part 1

I am really excited to introduce you to this great book by Dr. Walt Mueller called The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development. The title says it all. For over 30 years Dr. Mueller has studied not only adolescents, but also the culture in which they live in. He knows his stuff, and he has lived it out. Mueller has four children and has graduated three of them out of adolescents. This book is short, full of practical information for parents, and it is biblical. Dr. Mueller loves God and knows that what teens need the most in their lives is a relationship with Jesus Christ.

The chapters of this book are full useful information for you as a parent. Allow me a few minutes to explain one of the many highlights we will talk about throughout this blog.

1. Discovering adolescents all over again!

Mueller quotes Earl Wilson as defining an adolescent as “an adult trying to happen.” I can’t help but to agree with him. This in between stage from childhood to adulthood is filled with great opportunities and challenges. However, you may find it interesting that not long ago there wasn’t such thing as a teenage culture. You were either a child or an adult. It wasn’t until 1941 that the term teenager was used as a result of a “social and economic invention.” (Mueller, pg. 17) Since that time rapid growth has taken place which as resulted in great opportunity and confusion. The current adolescent culture is complex, and teens are growing up faster with each passing year due to what they experience. “While most kids experience puberty between ages 11 and 14, it can occur anywhere from the ages of 10 to 17. In recent years research has found that both boys and girls are entering puberty at younger ages.” (Mueller pg. 37) Yet, there is no need to fear. This is just a great opportunity for us to learn and grow in order to discover adolescents all over again. Below you will see some great questions that Mueller believes every parent should be asking themselves in order to learn more about their teen.

1. What is their world like?

2. What makes them tick?

3. What changes are they experiencing?

4. Why do they think and act the way they do?

5. How can I begin to facilitate a smoother adolescent period for my teenager-supporting, loving, and leading my teenager in a way that brings honor to God?

6. How can I begin to break through the walls of confusion, fear, frustration, and misunderstanding?

7. How can I be a positive and proactive bridge-builder into the life and world of my teenager?

These are some great questions in order to study your teen. Learn about them, and really listen. Think of creative ways you can discover the answers to these questions. Your teenager is a gift from God entrusted to your care. As parents we are called to model and speak truth into our kid’s lives, while trusting in the Holy Spirit to do that work that only he can do. Take some time this week to learn, and know that we are diligently praying for you all.

Do Hard Things: Part Two—Five Types of Hard

Part one looked at the problem of low expectations for our teens, and if you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend going back to that post first. It won’t do you much good to understand the hard things teens are up against unless you first believe teens both can and need to do them.

1. Outside Your Comfort Zone

 Think of a fear you once faced as a child that seems silly now. Brett shares the horrifying memory of his first shower, getting water in his eyes and maybe even his ears. For you it may be your first day of school or a new job. Encourage your kid the fear they’re facing will one day be as ancient as tying their shoes or riding the bus. Expanding your comfort zone is an important part of growing up.

God works through your weakness. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is refusing to allow fear to control your actions. Also, we all love to win—it’s bred into us from the beginning. However, you can’t reach success without risking failure. And usually you start off awful. But anything worth doing is worth doing poorly—at first. Our high expectations aren’t to succeed the first time, but to get there as we can. This turns failure on its head, making it work for us rather than against us. It makes failure a way to grow stronger, not a reason to give up.

2. Beyond What’s Expected

 The current level of expectation for teens is in not doing a lot of things: drugs, alcohol, parties. It’s too easy to let that become our standard of a good teen (and sadly, sometimes, of our faith). It’s not easy to shoot for the metaphorical A when we know the world will smile and pat us on the back with a C-. That’s why the Bible sets such high standards—so we would never mistake God as approving of our complacency. Don’t be afraid to hold your kid to what you find in scripture, even if they’re already better than the kids around them. God’s idea of holiness isn’t being bigger than the fish next to you in your small pond.

Also, “Do what’s hard for you” is solid advice if your child happens to excel at a few things. A lot of students hide behind a big strength or two so they can ignore other weaknesses. But being a basketball pro won’t help you in life if it teaches you that you can skate by without trying in school or helping out around the house. God wants well-rounded disciples, and excellence is an all-too-common excuse to hide other weaknesses.

3. The Big and 4. The Small

 If your kid has a big challenge in front of them, it’s obviously going to intimidate him or her, and Harris’s advice is to find like-minded individuals who share the vision and work together. But sometimes it’s the small hard things that we don’t understand why they seem so difficult. The insight offered is:

• They don’t usually go away after you do them. “The bed doesn’t stay made, teeth don’t stay brushed, and there’s always another test and another temptation.”

• They don’t seem very important. “How does spending time with my little brother compare to raising money for orphans in Africa?”

• They don’t seem to make any difference. “Whose life is changed that I made my bed this morning or drove the speed limit?”

• No one is watching. “Everyone’s impressed because she’s running a charity for cancer patients, but no one knows or cares that I’m taking care of Grandma and studying for the SATs.”

But pointless as it may seem, they make all the difference. Sure, one push-up doesn’t change you, but given enough time with a simple routine can do a lot of shaping. We think parents should expect big hard things from their kids, but that doesn’t mean we sacrifice expecting the small hard things along the way.

5. Against The Crowd.

 This can be one of the worst obstacles between your kid and hard things. No one wants to sacrifice their security in what feels like a wild jungle at school. But teens have to realize the world can’t understand what they believe unless they live it out. And in the end, they’ll always be glad they did. Years after the social nightmare, imagine asking your kid which was easier, avoiding certain parties for a few years or dealing with the consequences of alcohol, drug addiction, broken relationships, unwanted pregnancies, and sexually transmitted diseases. The key to this hard thing is remembering what seems hard now will probably be easier in the long run.

That’s all for Do Hard Things on the PEB, but you can get lots more by checking out some of the incredible stories in the book itself, or see what the revolution is up to these days by checking out http://rebelutionaries.blogspot.com/.

Do Hard Things: Part One—Low Expectations

You want great things for your kids. You even have every reason to believe they’re capable of it. Watching them grow up over the years showed you time and time again just how brilliant, clever, and determined they can be. But then you started to look around. You saw how awful a whole lot of other kids are turning out these days. Fear crept in and soon dreams of little Johnny being sworn into the oval office were replaced by the simple hope not to see him in jail or strung out on drugs. Culture and media reinforced your fears, telling countless horror stories of how irresponsible teenagers are, and you believed them. Unfortunately, though, so did your kid. 

The embarrassingly low expectations we have for the rising generation are ruining their most influential years. Culture teaches them how to escape hardship, avoid pain, and dodge duty. This is not just wasting teenage years, but ruining them for adulthood. We dub this the “myth of adolescence”—the idea that teen years are a last-chance party before having to become an adult. 

Time Magazine recently performed a study into the emerging result of this myth of adolescence and found “kidults.” The scary truth was that many teens delaying their growth into maturity never actually made it. Grown men and women in their late 20’s and early 30’s very commonly live with their parents, work only part-time or none at all, and behave just like they did in their teen years. This might be scary for you as a parent, but for teens, it can be infuriating. For Alex and Brett Harris, it was cause for a revolution.

Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations by the Harris brothers addresses the issue better than the typical how-to book. Through a multitude of stories they show teens that not only believe their teen years could have deeper meaning, but should. And these aren’t just the overachieving, type A students. These are shy, nervous kids who had high expectations placed on their shoulders, and consistently rose to the occasion.

The lesson we see in action: expectations produce success. Consider the question they ask, “Why does every healthy baby overcome communication barriers by learning to talk while very few teenagers overcome barriers between themselves and their parents by learning to communicate? One is expected, and the other is not.” This reality proves itself also in the expectations we do have for teens. The bar is set high for teens on being tech-savvy and sexually active, and the forecast become self-fulfilling.

A crazy thing to consider is that “Teenager” isn’t some God-ordained stage of life that has always existed. In fact, the word teenager appeared for the very first time in 1941 in a Reader’s Digest!

It was only about a hundred years ago that labor laws forced children to stay in school and pulled them from harsh factories. The laws were good in the sense they protected children from the abusive work environment and gave them greater freedom in their future career, but it also turned teens from key producers of society to mere consumers. Thus, our youth exist in an awkward limbo we excuse as being a teenager—“A young person with most of the desires and abilities of an adult but few of the expectations or responsibilities.”

An important consideration as you begin to examine if your expectations for your children are healthy is to remember that the Bible says nothing about “teens” and doesn’t hold some second-rate standard. 1 Tim 4:12—“Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” God expects great things even when we don’t.

For part 2 of Do Hard Things, we’ll look into some specific “hard things” your teen might be up against, how it holds them back, and how you can encourage them to overcome it.

Pastor Dad

Parents,

Being a parent is a tremendous blessing that I do not take lightly. However, you can probably agree with me that it is not always easy. One of the main reasons for this blog is to provide you with resources to help you as you lead your children at home. Recently I read a short little book called Pastor Dad by Mark Driscoll. While reading this I found myself encouraged and convicted. This is a book I would highly recommend to any father who is serious about being the spiritual leader of his home. Let me take a few minutes to share with you a little bit about what I read.

In chapter one Driscoll says “Before a man can be a good father, he has to be a good Christian. To be a good Christian he must realize that God is his father, as Jesus taught us to pray.” At 4 years old my son will share with me a list of things that he needs. Usually these needs can be found on a shelf in the toy section at Wal-Mart. When this happens I will drop down to one knee right there in Wal-Mart and begin to have conversation with my son about the difference between needs and wants. Often these conversations are met with a blank stare. If my son had a choice between eating his dinner and a toy car, he is choosing the car.

I took some time to really think about what my children needed. Immediately I thought of the big three: food, clothing, and shelter. However, there is one thing that should go before even these three. That one thing is a relationship with God. As a Christian father, it is my passion to see my children worship the same God that I do, and the Bible is clear that youth pastors and church leaders are not the primary means in which my children are to learn about Him. That is my tremendous privilege and responsibility. If that relationship is their greatest need, then it must become my greatest priority. I must pursue God’s heart and allow him to change me so that I can share this relationship with my children.

With my kids and through working with students, I have realized that often things are more caught than taught. They may not remember everything I say but they definitely remember who I am. As fathers we must be showing through word and actions what a relationship with God through Jesus Christ looks like. Therefore, maybe instead of reading your bible in quiet, you read in front of your kids. I know that when I am reading my bible or a Christian book in front of my son he will ask me what I am reading. With that conversation begins. Take the lead and pray with your family. Ask your children how you can pray for them, write these down, and pray for them throughout the day. You will be amazed how your heart grows for them. As you do this God will reveal to you more of His heart for you, and in return you can share that with your children. These are just a couple of ideas.

In Proverbs 3:11-12 we read, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” Driscoll says, “Before any father disciplines his children, he is commanded to delight in them. Practically, this means that most of a father’s time is spent enjoying his children, encouraging his children, laughing with his children, being affectionate with his children, and enjoying his children so there is a deep bond of love and joy between the children and their dad.” Later while commenting on this same verse he says, “The principle here is that only those people who lovingly delight in their children have earned the right to discipline them.” Delight must precede discipline. As fathers we must delight in our children and spend hours with them. When we delight in our children it will dramatically affect the way we discipline. Discipline should not end with punishment, but rather should be about correction.

Here are a few questions to consider:

1. What is the greatest relationship of my life, and what am I doing to invest in that relationship?

2. In what areas of my children’s lives can I pray for them?

3. What is the ultimate goal of discipline? How does God discipline me?

You can download this book for free from this link: http://relit.org/pastordad/