Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

There’s no particular order for the Five Love Languages, but let’s start where Dr. Chapman starts in the book, with Words of Affirmation.

The old saying, “Actions speak louder than words,” isn’t always true. For the child (or spouse) whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, words will probably always speak louder than actions. Hearing positive, affirming, encouraging words is like gulping in emotional oxygen for a person with the love language of Words of Affirmation. But the opposite is true, too. When a Words of Affirmation person doesn’t hear these positive, affirming, encouraging words, it’s like someone’s standing on their oxygen line. Insults (even little ones) can leave them feeling deeply wounded, and can sometimes take a very long time to be forgotten.

But empty, fluffy positive, affirming and encouraging words won’t work, either. Insincere or meaningless affirmation is nothing more than flattery. And once a person discovers it’s only flattery, there’s nothing appealing about it. It will eventually become offensive to them. It’s like emotional cotton candy. There’s no substance to it. Just the initial happy taste. But when the taste is gone, there’s really nothing else left behind, except a hunger for something more. Most kids don’t know what that “something more” is. They can’t articulate that they feel it’s missing. Their subconscious emotional radar will stay up and active for what they think feels like something more, though. And when they come across it, they will be magnetically drawn to it, whether it’s really good for them or not.

Words of Affirmation that make a difference and feed a person’s soul are authentic and true. Hearing, “I love you,” is so important to every kid. But for the person who has Words of Affirmation as a primary love language, hearing why they are loved, or hearing what they are loved for can send them soaring.

If you discover that your kid is a Words of Affirmation person, here’s a suggestion: make a private list of “Ten Things I Love About You,” and work from that list every day, telling them why you love them. Things like, “I love your sense of humor. You crack me up!” Or “I love how you watch out for your little brother (or sister).” Or “I love that I don’t have to wonder what you’re thinking.”

You may sometimes have to really strain your brain to think of positive and encouraging things that are true about your kids. Let’s face it, there are seasons in a kid’s life when there just isn’t much positive happening. But if you’re willing to partner with God on this, He will help you see positive things that you might have missed. So ask Him for His help! It’s a request He wants to grant.

Notice that the suggestions I gave for Words of Affirmation aren’t huge things. I didn’t put, “I think you’ll one day be President of the United States,” on the list. Or, “Look out Michael Jordan! You’ll break his records.” The truth is, your kid isn’t likely to break Michel’s records, and they may not become a prominent political figure, let alone the President. Target character traits, not just behaviors for your list. This will help you tell your kid (and yourself) that your love for them isn’t conditional. In other words, you don’t love them only when they perform or behave in a certain way. You love them, period. Their behavior can’t ever change that. But when they demonstrate character development by their behavior, TELL THEM! Look for these character qualities in them, and encourage them by appreciating them. Do your best to find 10 things for this list, and then, over time, take it to 20 things, and work from it every day.

If you were raised in a home where compliments weren’t given, where the fear was that if people heard too many positive things about themselves, they’d get “the Big Head,” or become prideful, speaking your Words of Affirmation to your kids (and spouse) may be hard at first. Treat it like any other skill. You’ll get good at it by doing it. So do it, even if it sounds and feels odd at first. Trust God to help you grow in the skill of speaking Words of Affirmation.

Love Languages II

The biggest idea in the book is what I just shared – that people develop best when they know they’re loved, and that they know they’re loved when they hear it in language they understand.

Way back when I was a Youth Minister in Tulsa, OK, I was part of a team of youth guys who went to central Mexico with an organization called Christ In Youth, to be resource people for presentations at a Christian youth conference.  Before I left, I asked a girl in my youth group who was in Spanish III what would be a couple of Spanish phrases that I should know.  She gave me a couple, but the one I most remember was “¿Dónde está el baño,” which I’m sure you recognize as Spanish for “where is the bathroom?”

We got to the Mexico City Airport, and nature began to call.  Not shouting, just calling.  I thought, “Hey, this is a great time for me to try out my Spanish.”  So I went to a kiosk where an attractive young woman in an American Airlines uniform stood, waiting to help.  I stepped up and said, “¿Dónde está el baño?”  But you’d have to hear me say it in my thick Oklahoma accent to know why the American Airlines representative nearly fell down laughing before she spouted a clean and crisp Spanish reply to my question.  But her reply made no sense at all to me.  It was just a lot of rolled r’s and other staccato consonants that I couldn’t make any sense of. 

For some mysterious reason, the stress of this moment moved the simple call of nature up the scale to the urgent shout of nature.  “Oh, no,” I thought.  “I’m going to wet my pants in the Mexico City Airport…”

But the kind lady at the kiosk read the panic in my eyes and said in perfectly clear English, “Sir, the Men’s Room is just down the corridor and to your right.”  She was like an angel speaking in that moment.

If she had kept speaking in Spanish, I was toast (soggy toast).  She could have said it louder, or slower, or used more gestures.  She could have even chosen different words to communicate the location of the Men’s Room.  But as long as she said it in Spanish, it wouldn’t have mattered.  I was going to have my own personal international incident at the American Airlines kiosk as long as she kept telling me the Men’s Room location in Spanish. 

It wasn’t an intelligence issue, really.  She was obviously an intelligent enough young lady.  I’m a smart enough guy.  But as long as she spoke Spanish, I was going to wet my britches.  When she spoke a language I understood, I was bright enough to find the Men’s Room. 

Now, I hope you see the correlation between my experience at the Mexico City Airport and your attempts to communicate your love to your kids.  You can have all the love in your heart that a parent can have for their kid, but if your love language isn’t the same as your kid’s, and you keep speaking your own language, all they’re likely to hear is, “Blah, blah, blah.”  If that’s what they’re hearing, they won’t feel as loved as you want them to feel.  And when that happens, they won’t thrive.  People only thrive when they feel loved.  That’s just a rule of life. 

The problem is that most parents assume their kids have the same love language they have.  So they keep speaking in a love language that makes sense to them, but probably doesn’t connect with the kid(s).  The more they communicate in this love language, the less the kid seems to get it.  Frustration sets in for both the parent and the kid.  The result is anything but love growing.  In fact, it’s usually some kind of alienation.

But the other side of this coin is that when you know your kids’ love language, you can communicate your love to them in terms that they understand.  And when that happens, a host of good things will come out of it, including feelings of security and confidence (for both you and your kid), a more consistent sense of happiness, less conflict, and generally movement toward health and maturity in your relationship with them.

So every parent ought to be very interested in getting some kind of help figuring out what their kids’ love languages are.  And, by the way, if you go to work on this, in the process, you’ll learn what your spouse’s and your own love language is, too, which will produce some really powerful and positive results in your marriage.

A New Blog Series from Steve Thomas on The Five Love Languages

The Bible’s the only book that can totally change your life, but there are some other books with great biblical roots and godly principles that can have a profound effect on your life and the legacy of your family life. For my wife and me, The Five Love Languages fits on that bookshelf. Aside from the Bible, no book helped us parent our three girls well as much as Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. We both wish we’d have known about the Love Languages when our kids were young, but we didn’t come across it until all three of our daughters were in high school.

One of the things that makes this book so good is its simplicity. As Debbie and I read through it, we realized this isn’t rocket science. It’s common sense, in language we could easily understand, with concepts simple enough that we could do something with them immediately. I call this “putting the cookies on the bottom shelf.” And believe me, finding these great cookies on the bottom shelf was a very big gift from God to us. And I think it will be to you, too.

Since the publication of the original book, other editions have been produced, including The Five Love Languages for Children, The Five Love Languages for Teenagers, and The Five Love Languages Singles Edition, and several other editions. Each of these succeeding editions flesh out the main principles of the original book and make interesting specific applications to a target group. The original book is still on the New York Times Bestseller list, which is no small thing, since it was first published in 1992. Millions of people have been influenced by Dr. Chapman’s simple concept that people develop best when they know they’re loved, and that they know they’re loved when they hear it in language they understand. You can order the book from the link below.

http://www.canyonechobookstore.com/product.asp?sku=9780802473158

The Space Between: A Parent's Guide To Teenage Development - Part 7

Growing up I earned the nickname “20 questions” from my grandpa. It was not uncommon for me to bombard individuals with tons of questions at the conclusion of their stories and statements. Many interpreted this as me trying to antagonistically bother people. Though that might have been true at times, it was not the norm. Most of the time I wasn’t trying to be a punk. I was curious. I wanted to know things and to know if the things I believed were really were true. Even to this day I’m a tenacious learner and ask tons of questions trying to figure things out.

Almost every teenager I know can be called “20 questions.” Muller affirms this when he writes that teenagers, “Armed with a new found ability to think, evaluate, and solve problems, teenagers often question the values and beliefs they’d previously accepted.” (Muller, pg. 84). I couldn’t agree more with this statement. When this takes place many parents, especially in my experience Christian parents, seem to panic. Their panic is not irrational. I can understand the panic that takes place when a child questions a value, belief, or ideal that we hold dearly. My hope for my children is that they worship the God of the Bible, and what I need to prepare myself for now is the probability of them questioning their beliefs. Many students are not simply questioning their beliefs just because they want to be rebellious, but rather this is a sign of them owning their faith.

It is in these moments that I found ultimate joy in God’s complete control over all things. We are called to lead, shepherd, and point our children toward Jesus Christ. Yet, I know that there is nothing I can do to force my children into a relationship with Christ. “Salvation is from the Lord ((Jonah 2:9),” not from us. In these moments I would like to remind you, as well as myself, of a profound statement by Muller. He was writing about a tough period in which one of his children was making some poor choices. During that time he discovered “God was working in ways we wouldn’t always see or understand.” (Muller, pg. 87)

Spiritual growth is a process, and as parents we must be patient with students when they question things. Many of us can remember times in which we also questioned some of the same issues our teens are questioning. In those moments share your story, struggle, and pain. Talk about the goodness of God and what he taught you through that time of questioning. I would encourage you to write down their questions and together study the scriptures to find answers. In this you will find God growing you both. There I see “God working” in both of your lives.

Check out this video from Tullian Tchividjian, Billy Graham's grandson. It may be an encouragement to some of you.

We're Back

Hey Guys,

I know for many of you this is your first time checking out this blog. Being a parent is a tremendous privilege and responsibility. I know from firsthand experience it is not easy. When I would share with people that I was about to become a parent, my words would be met with immediate recommendations about what I should do or read. That is why we started this blog. I know that from the dates you will see we haven’t posted in a while. For that I apologize. This has been an extremely busy season, but we usually try to post every two weeks. However, I wanted to let you know that as I journey through this life as a parent, and as I read books, I am committed to sharing with you the insights I receive.

There are a couple of books I would like to recommend that greatly influenced me. The first book I’ll mention is the Bible. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I want to encourage you to deeply study the word. Each of the authors of the books I mention will constantly point you back to the bible. Below I have placed some verses that have really shaped my understanding of parenthood. I would like to encourage you to take some time this week to study them.

Psalm 128
1Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord,
who walks in his ways!
2 You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the Lord.
5 The Lord bless you from Zion!
May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life!
6 May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel!

Ephesians 6:1-4
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Pro. 3:11-12
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline
or be weary of his reproof,
12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.

Job 1:5
5 And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually. (In the book Pastor Dad by Mark Driscoll he talks about how this verse prompted him to pray over his son when he felt like he was provoking him to anger. This is where I got the idea that I shared this last weekend for praying for my son. You can search this blog and find a free download of this book.)


Also there are a couple of books I read recently that really helped me learn. You can find these books in our bookstore (http://www.canyonechobookstore.com/home.asp). The first is called Grace-Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel (this should be in there soon). The other is the one you will see we are talking about in this blog. It is by Dr. Walt Mueller called The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development. Also, Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. In fact, if you have a child in our NextGen services, they will be hearing about this topic in our June series. And of course, feel free to ask our bookstore for info on these resources. As always we’re praying for you.

The Space Between: A Parent's Guide To Teenage Development - Part 6

I just got off the phone with my 4 year old.  Hearing his voice brings such a joy to my heart.  With no obligation whatsoever I simply said, “I love you bud.”  With that he responded, “I love you too.”  Those words melt my heart, and I know that as he gets older he is going to act like he doesn’t want to hear that as much, especially in front of his friends.   Yet, one thing I know is that inside he will be crying out for my affirmation and love.  Some of us think back to our teenage years thankful that we heard those words from our parents; others wish they had heard them more. 

Why is this important?  It’s simple.  Teenagers often times determine their identity and a decision based on how it feels.  A negative comment from a friend or their own negative self evaluation after looking in the mirror can send them into a panic.  However, a text from a person they like can send them joyfully through the roof.  One minute they’re down, and in the next minute they act like they just won a million dollars.  To those on the outside, this seems like an emotional rollercoaster.  That is why it is so important that you always remember that you were like that once too.

 As a parent it can be easy to brush off those feelings as normal adolescents, or by simply ignoring them by telling yourself they’ll get through it.  These emotions are what it is like to be a normal teenager.  Muller makes a bold statement by saying, “To be written off by an insensitive parent is the type of rejection that can send a ‘normal’ teenager over the edge to clinical depression and even suicide.  Much of a teenager’s emotional resilience is built in and through a healthy relationship with Mom and Dad.” (Muller, pg. 76).  I don’t believe that this quote is intended to scare you, or to make you walk on egg shells around your teen.  I believe he stresses it to help us realize the importance of our teenager’s emotions.  What may look like a little zit on the face to you is Mt. Everest to your teen.  Can’t you remember that?  In the same way what may seem a little problem to you may be a huge ordeal to your teen.   Teens do overreact, and most of the time that may be case, but it must not encourage us to disregard their feelings.  They are very real to them.  Therefore, the best thing we can do as parents is actively listen. 

There are times in which the emotions of our teen can be a sign of a deeper issue.  Home must be a safe place in which you can lovingly ask questions of your teen to see what is really going on.  You must be prepared that your teen may reject your questioning so that you don’t overreact in the moment.  Just simply reaffirm your love for them.  Understand that you also acted like this, and know that while they soak in their brokenness, your love reveals to them there is a truth that is superior to their emotions.  One of the most powerful insights I have gained over this year is to preach the gospel to myself.  So many times we talk about the love Christ has for those who believe, yet do you realize that love for yourself?  Does your teen?  As parents we must stress the importance of a truth that is real no matter how we feel about it.  Don’t just reaffirm your love, but also the love of Christ. 

If you haven’t picked up this book in our bookstore, do it now.  This chapter had so many incredible insights.  As always know we are praying for you.

Great Idea from Pastor Steve Thomas

It was just about the hardest thing I’d done to that point in my life. My palms were sweaty, my ears were buzzing, I was squirming in my chair like a fat man with hemorrhoids. I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke, or my head would explode. Or maybe I’d just pass out and slide from my chair onto the floor, and lay there like a corps until the EMTs arrived.

Looking back at it, it was a prime moment in my life that I don’t ever want to forget. But as it was unfolding, all I wanted was for it to be over and my blood pressure to come back down from the stratosphere.

A month earlier, Ron, the dad of a couple of the kids in my youth group told me about a powerful idea he had used with his daughter when she turned 12. He heard it from James Dobson and Focus on the Family. When I heard it, I knew it was right for me, the dad of 3 daughters, ages 12, 10 and 9.

Here’s how it goes. Sometime after your daughter is 12, you go to the jeweler and find a necklace with a heart and a key on it. In 1988, I was making a subsistence salary as a youth minister at a mid-size church in Oklahoma, and we were never not strapped for cash. So the heart and key necklace I bought for Becky wasn’t elaborate, and it wasn’t expensive. The good news is that it didn’t have to be, because the symbolism is the deal, not the necklace, itself.

Once you’ve got the necklace, you invite her to her favorite restaurant (which was McDonald’s for my oldest) for a special date. You dress up, and you ask her to dress up. And then you head out for your special night, just you and her.

Once you’re at the restaurant, you do all the things a guy’s supposed to do on a date. You pull out her chair and ask her what she’d like to order (which was all a little difficult at McDonalds, but I managed…). The point is, make her feel special.

Then when you’ve eaten, tell her you have something special for her. Pull the box out of your pocket and give it to her.

When she opens it, you need to be ready to tell her what it represents. And here you go with what I wish I could have been composed enough to say that evening at McDonalds in Tulsa.

“Honey, you know that I love you more than any other girl in the world, except for your mom, don’t you? Well, I wanted to give you this necklace to remind you of that. I don’t ever want you to forget how much I treasure you. I don’t ever want you to wonder if I love you.”

At this point, my daughter didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t need to. Really, I didn’t want her to yet.

You wipe the sweat off your forehead, and gulp, and then say, “You know how your mom told you all that stuff about being a girl and becoming a woman?” (This is a reference to the “sex talk” that every little girl needs to have with their mom around age 12.)

“I don’t want to talk about all that stuff, but I do want to tell you how much I want you be pure for God. I want you to be able to give your purity to your husband, one day, at your wedding.”

I spent a couple of minutes talking about how I knew boys were going to try and get her to give up her purity.

“I hope you’ll wear this necklace every day of your life, honey, right up until your wedding day, so that it can remind you of the promise I’m asking you to make. I want to ask you to promise God that you’ll guard your purity until you’re married. I’m not trying to force this on you. I know you love God and want your life to be the way He wants it to be. So I know this is a promise you want to make.

“I can’t keep this promise for you, and I don’t want it to be that kind of a promise. But I want you to know that nobody in the world wants you to be able to keep this promise as much as I do. If there’s ever anything I can do to help you keep it, all you ever have to do is say so.”

Now, you need to know that I didn’t do nearly as well as this little script makes it sound. I did a whole lot of sweating and stuttering and stammering when I said all this to my 12 year old daughter. I was awful, really. There was nothing smooth or easy about it. And, frankly, it didn’t get any smoother or easier for either of my two younger daughters. But we got through it, and they wore the necklaces as a symbol of our promise – their promise to God, and my promise to them.